The Vice of Curiositas

This semester I have become more aware of my motivations for studying. The Lord has used some of my coursework to bubble up things in my heart that He wants me to look at with Him. The following is another excerpt from my aforementioned final (see my previous post):

My experience of the midterm in one of my classes was a real trip. I have pages and pages written in my journal about all of the fear and anxiety it caused to boil up in me. Admittedly I had to revisit the prayer project nearly every time I studied because I would just freak out. From the beginning of the semester, the Lord was very clear about what my priorities were to be: open in relationship to Him and my new husband and the homework would fall into place after that. I have been rather easy going about my homework throughout the course of this semester until this test popped up. I was blindsided by the feelings it raised. Just looking at the study guide would cause anxiety to begin to boil up in me. The temptation to shift into the “just get it done” gear was very powerful and yet there was a sense that I should not be relying on my own fortitude to plow through it. So I had to let it sit for several days.

A few days before the test was due, I asked the Lord to help me look at my paralysis surrounding this issue. I didn’t know how to approach this test without employing my old neurotic faculties. My only experience of motivating myself was to tap into the fear of facing the wrath of imperfection (which includes loss of identity, loss of esteem in other’s eyes, and perhaps loss of love). In college, this fear would inspire incredible amounts of fortitude, which always produced the results of neurotic perfection. But in a very real sense I am not that person anymore, as the Lord has been addressing those deep needs and beliefs in my heart over the years since college. Just because that drive was being lessened, did not mean I automatically knew how to study rightly.

Thankfully Dr. Coe had addressed this issue in some of his lectures. The right and true end in study should be the love of God and greater transformation into Christlikeness. Failure to study without the proper attitude is to engage in the vice of curiositas (seeking to know something for the wrong reasons, e.g. pride or seeking to know something that should not be known,e.g. pornography). Wow—have I ever spent my entire education in the execution of that vice! Anyway, back to that conversation with the Lord. What came out of that was a glimmer of understanding about loving God in my studies. It was like something switched on inside of me and studying made sense. Of course it is an opportunity to open to God. I am studying Him and His things. Why should attention to His presence in me be left out of the equation?

dez