The Deeper Journey

Well, here it is, my big blogging début. Whatever shall I write about? It occurs to me that there is a big part our of journey out here in LA that has not gotten much blog space. We are not just exploring a new city, but we are exploring a new life, i.e., the deeper life in Christ. This is coming about mostly through my classes at the Institute for Spiritual Formation but also through relationship with Brandon. We are very much together on this journey into the deeper life, and it has been incredible not only to open up to greater intimacy with each other but with the Lord as well.

I was recently emailing a friend about what I have been learning, so I thought I would share it here too:

I am realizing that I have been operating to some degree out of my unconscious theology of God regardless of the systematic theology that I hold in my conscious. For example I believe in my head that God loves me. What plays out in my life is that I act and think that God is my judge, that he is somehow linked to the voice of condemnation in my head. Furthermore there are parts of me that don't believe I can trust God to take care of me or meet my inmost needs or my physical ones for that matter. Rather, I have a deep belief that I must take care of myself even to the extent of manipulating circumstances and people to that end. I've got lots more examples if you are interested.

Each of us has a well of deep beliefs and desires, in large part due to our experiences in life, especially early ones. We learn early that people can't deal with our mess so we hide it. This gets impacted over the years and we eventually get disconnect from conscious awareness of this rather oceanic part of ourselves.

This is especially problematic for the Christian who feels this pressure to be perfect. The machine of the church has convinced them that they have to hide their badness. This causes for some people a double life, as in the case of Ted Haggard. In my churh experience there is ongoing teaching toward three ends: 1) developing systematic theology and gaining Bible knowledge, and 2) using fortitude in the name of the Holy Spirit to manage one’s behaviors, and 3) frenetic participation and service in church ministries. With these factors serving as the measuring stick for Christian growth and maturity, there is little time for matters of the inward life.

What I am learning is that God could care less about me living a perfect life. He is not interested in me fixing myself. He is interested in relationship with me. If Christianity were only a program of moral improvement, it would require neither God nor a Christ. It could exist on the basis of personal effort toward perfection. Jesus attacked this notion of self-achieving-perfectionism on many occasions, especially when the Pharisees were around (e.g., Matt 23). A poignant example would be Luke 10. In this story, Jesus is at the home of Martha and Mary. Martha is scurrying around doing good work and gets frustrated when Jesus lets Mary just sit as His feet. Jesus makes clear that Mary has chosen the better thing here, i.e. relationship over work.

This week I have been pondering Hebrews 4 and Matthew 11:28-30. They are both invitations to enter into God's rest. We are invited to enter this Sabbath rest and rest from our works. That is so contrary to my unconscious theology of having to fix myself and earn his love. Why is it that I have not seen this up until now? The freedom that is being offered here threatens to completely rock my world. What would it mean to really live with the pressure off?

I realize that this is starting to look like a sermon, so I am going to stop myself. Perhaps, I will close this line of thinking by saying that I have been completely blown away by what I have been learning. My evangelical faith tradition had lost the many of these treasures of mystical spirituality during the Reformation in their zeal to pursue sola scriptura. In a very real sense, I am compelled to grieve for that loss. There is richness in the Christian experience and tradition that I had no idea about.

Dez