I just bought my cap and gown!!!!

I can't believe how close graduation is! May 22 will mark the close of this season of our lives.

Having the opportunity to come to ISF has been an incredible gift for Brandon and myself. I have had the time, space, and help to heal some of the young, lonely, and broken places in my heart. Consequently, I am more honest with myself, God, and others. I am more able to give and receive love because I have been able to experience something of God's love for me.

I have been doing the Ignatian exercises this year. It has been an invitation for me to open to God's love for me, to let it come close, and to internalize it. These two verses have become so important to me in this:

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, and abounding in love. Ps 103:8

His banner over me is love. SS 2:4

Ignatian has also been an invitation to trust God. And this has been the rub for me lately as it intersected with my class on vocation where I learned that vocation is actually more about discerning and doing God's will for me today and not worrying about tomorrow than it is about an occupation. I so want to worry about tomorrow and carve out a future for myself. Instead God is asking me to trust Him that He has my best interest at heart and will take care of me. He has called me into relationship with Him, to love Brandon, to be faithful to my training at ISF, and to care for the souls He puts in my path. Beyond that, no career or obvious success is promised. The good news is that my increasing experience of His love helps me know that His heart is good toward me and that He can be trusted to care for me. This being said, I still worry. I still forget His goodness and faithfulness. I'm still trying to walk this out.

All of that being said, I'm sure that many of you are wondering what is next for us. At this point we are trying to walk in trust and openness to the Lord as we approach post-graduation life. It is entirely likely that we will find another apartment near here, so Brandon can continue to work his job, we can maintain the friendships we have with some of our neighbors in grad housing, and I could possibly continue giving spiritual direction at Biola.

I'm applying for a couple of jobs here in LA, but the possibility we are really excited about it is the Director of Spiritual Formation position at George Fox University. It really seems to align with my gifts, talents, and passion, and we are excited about a new adventure in Oregon. However I have been told that they have received a great many applications for this position. Would you please join us in praying about this? I would love the opportunity to interview for this job, but most importantly I want to abide in God's love and care (and that is easier said than done!). Please pray that God would grant us much wisdom and discernment as we make decisions and that His care and provision for us as a couple would be evident and abundant.

Dez' School Update

It is not hard to see that we've been a little behind on the blogging. We have several posts in the works and hope to get them finished soon including our trip to the Mission at San Juan Capistrano, our log cabin getaway, and our latest visit home.  For now I will take a few minutes to update you all on where I am at in my program.

This fall I will start my third and final year studying spiritual formation and soul care at the Institute for Spiritual Formation.  In January the focus of my program shifted from theoretical knowledge of how God grows souls to more practical, hands on training in the art of spiritual direction.  I had the opportunity to give spiritual direction to two Biola undergrads this semester.  I can't tell you how this encouraged my own soul.  It was incredible to watch God work through me.  As I spiritual director I am there to help facilitate the conversation between the directee and the Lord.  So I have to be fully present and able to listen to both parties at the same time.  I am learning about listening to the Holy Spirit and trusting in His work in each person.  This has been a growing experience for me.  It seems in my experience that Evangelicals (including me) aren't sure what to do with the Holy Spirit.  He is the odd man out in the Trinity replaced by the much more tangible and easier to grasp Bible.  Don't get me wrong, it is critical as Christians to know the Bible and to hide God's Word in our hearts, but I think we have long been remiss in getting acquainted with the Holy Spirit who is alive and working in each of us right this very minute.  

As a requirement in for my program, I have been in therapy since November and am in the process of finishing up this month.  It has been an incredible gift.  It has been an opportunity for me to explore some painful places in my history in a safe space.  It has given me the chance to get more honest with myself and Brandon, to grieve for things lost, and to come to terms with my own humanity.  This has opened up much more space in my heart: to love others with their foibles, to deal more kindly with myself, to forgive those who have hurt me, to ask forgiveness of those whom I have hurt, to trust others with more of myself, and to get acquainted with myself apart from other's expectations of me.  Now, don't let me give you the wrong impression, therapy is hard work.  I cried for weeks and months on end, I had angry days and very sad days, I had to look at things about myself and others that I'd tried so long and so hard to ignore.  It takes real courage to be honest and to choose to feel the feelings that I'd long suppressed.  It takes support from those closest to you to encourage you on.  They have to carry the faith for you that you will come out the other side, a healthier, more whole, and more fully alive person.  I can't express how much Brandon was this support to me.  Even when experiencing the fallout of my emotional distress, he stayed by me and loved me.  This too was an incredible gift.

In the fall I will be a full-time student again.  In addition to classes I will also have 10 directees.  This feels like quite a jump from just two!  We see directees every other week for an hour, but it also takes quite a bit of prep time to prepare oneself to open to the Lord and another person.  You have to clean up your own internal house in order to be able to offer hospitality to another.  I also receive supervision as a spiritual director in training.  We tape all of our sessions and listen to the parts we struggled in our supervision groups every week, so we can get help and grow in our skills.

It is hard to even speculate what will happen beyond graduation in May.  We are waiting for the Lord to begin to speak to us about what He has next for us.  We would love for you to join in praying for the Lord's guidance for us as we begin to wonder about what will come next.  

Painting at the Artists' Retreat

The artist retreat was a wonderful time to sit down and paint. Though I was sketching what I saw in the outdoors, I find I often use my sketches (in combination with journaling) as a sort of interactive prayer, and this weekend was particularly inspiring, for a number of reasons.

First, I had to go through all my art supplies. I've done some loose sketching outdoors before, but I've (and I'm somewhat surprised to say this) never really painted outdoors. I was inspired by a few blog posts I found, including this outdoor painting tutorial and this entry by James Gurney. (I highly recommend his blog by the way.)

So I distilled my art supplies into a surprisingly small bag, and started my first endeavor into outdoor painting/drawing. (I actually chose to use a mixture of ink pens, ink wash, and watercolor, so I'm not sure if it's better described as painting or drawing. I'll use the two terms interchangeably until further advised.)

[My drawings.]

[Photo's of what I was painting from.]

I'll quote from my journal here to explain what I was thinking about as I drew these:

In the morning I felt the need to climb something. Somehow my drawing required something more, something difficult. I ascended a steep hill. I walked past many things worthy of being drawn. I asked myself "at what point is it time to stop? Which scene will I paint?"

I kept moving. Something drove me on. A destination perhaps? Would fatigue stop me? I am not sure. It's as if I needed to earn or prove something. At last I settled upon a spot, a downward spiraling path. The painting went better than i would have hoped.

On the way back I thought it strange to walk uphill so much to paint a downhill scene. I thought how hard it was to ascend, but how easy it is to descend....I began thinking about how normally we think it hard to ascend up to God, how much work it is to "get to heaven", or "see God", or "be good", etc. I'm reminded of the painting "The Heavenly Ladder of Saint John Climacus" with pious souls climbing the ladder to God and flying demons knocking them off.

[The Heavenly Ladder of Saint John Climacus, 12th Century]

Even Christian from the Pilgrim's Progress is reminiscent of this mountain climbing theme. But ascension is not where I am at. Like Dante, I am descending. And descent is hard. It's hard to see myself as I am, and it's hard to receive love as I am. Perhaps this mirror's Christ's pattern, his "descent" from Gethsemane to the Cross to the Belly of the Earth was hard. Clearly. But his ascent to glory at the Father's side was, in a sense, easy. Descent and death are hard. Ascent and glory are easy. I tried to paint these things, but instead only struggled with ascending. As if work ascending might make descending easier, or more meaningful, or less painful.

What I'm saying is I found this amusing flip: ascending is difficult if it's a physical mountain, but easy if it is spiritual glory. Descending is easy while hiking, but descending into the soul is perhaps the hardest work we could ever do. It amazes me how often I try to ascend on my own under my own power to try and earn acceptance and love. Or how often I sit around and pray and wait for God to raise me up with his power so I can be accepted and loved by others. But the reality is, I need to go down. I need to descend.

The funny thing is, I don't see God at the top of a ladder. I don't see God in the heavens or standing upon a mountain. I see Him in my heart, in the deep waters, and it is to these deep waters that I hear Him inviting me. It is while I descend that I have my closest most meaningful moments with God. It is as I descend that I am most terrified. I've been throwing things into the basement of my soul for a long time, and it's become somewhat of a garbage pit. I really don't know what I'm going to find down there anymore. Except, as I mentioned, a God who is waiting for me.

(A proviso: when I say "deep waters" I am referring to the more hidden portions of our hearts, as described in Proverbs 20:5, not some sort of "deep thinking" or intellectual high-ground. I say this rather sloppily, but the strict rational mind has proven to me to be quite perilous when dealing with the deep waters, which are filled with emotions and feelings and beliefs and desires and a great many things that do not necessarily follow rhyme or reason.)

Reflections: Year One

Here's a snapshot of the last year: getting married, moving across the country while simultaneously separating from my family for the first time (with parents who were not yet prepared to release me); a desperate job search and it's subsequent victory; adjusting to a new and foriegn culture; emotionally supporting a wife in a very intensive grad program; trying to connect with a whole new set of friends and find a support network while trying to maintain at least some ties from the old; dealing with some health issues that are fairly intrusive into not only my quality of life but now also my wife's...Here's a cartoon I found that pretty much sums up a lot of life over the past year.



Things are starting to settle down though.

I'm currently working at the Doheny Eye Institute. I'm currently helping to develop algorithms to help interpret retinal images. The job can be pretty fun, and if we're successful, we will end up helping to save quite a lot of people from losing their vision.

Married life can also be pretty fun. We've gone on a number of adventures around LA. There is so much to do here. This weekend we went to see "The Taming of the Shrew" in park. We had a picnic while we watched the performance. It was peaceful and grand. We are starting to have a lot of fun at the beach. We've tried surfing on longboards, and bodysurfing--both of which are a blast. We have a lot of fun together. I like being married to Desiree. We are a good match, and life is so promising together. I am a better person for it.

When we were dating we took a "pre-marriage" class our church offered. We had extensive pre-marriage counseling. We read books and talked to others so we were not unprepared when our marriage was strained with our rather intense number of substantial transitions. Calling marriage hard seems cliche and not exactly accurate. More to the point, transitions are hard. Poor health is hard. Actually seeing someone, and being in a state to see them when they need to be seen, is hard. Asking for what you want is hard. Confrontation is hard. Being present to someone is hard. The articulation of feelings and the "deep waters" of my heart is hard. Looking at the painful things I am so much better at hiding and ignoring is hard. Looking at the painful things in my wife's life is hard. But in the end, it was our ability to see and connect with one another on such a deep level that led us together, so there is a certain joy in all this hardness, which makes married life so good.

Dez's program has really helped make sense of a lot of the messy stuff that has been in our lives for quite some time. Her program is "Spiritual Formation & Soul Care", which, on the outset, sounds perhaps a little fluffy. The program was developed by a guy named John Coe, who spent 18 some years in graduate education, and earned numerous degrees in philosophy and theology, and then spent a number of years teaching at a school of psychology. All this is to say, he's created a very fascinating program that seems very historically and theologically grounded in a topic all but forgotten by the evangelical world I was birthed from.

This idea of spiritual formation, then, is taking a closer look at how exactly a believer grows and develops over time. At First Free, my old church, this was a very simple model...You are saved...you learn the staples of reading your bible, worship and prayer...you learn a lot of theology...you serve the church. And that, really, is the end of the line. Anything after is either more service or more theology. The "deer panting for water" and the subsequent "living streams" are just sort of circumstantially magical feelings we are to embrace when present and stoically endure when absent. The result of such--what I'll call isolated spirituality--is the unfortunate stereotypical Christian that has so much knowledge yet remains so immature--not only in a spiritual sense but in a holistic sense. One of the talks I've heard Coe give is entitled "Why do we sin when we know so much?", and it is a fascinating look at the mechanisms that cause us to behave in certain ways despite our best efforts. These mechanisms live in what Coe calls the "hidden heart", and his basic premise is that the extent to which we don't know our hidden hearts is the extent to which we have no control over our undesired behaviors.

Spiritual formation, then, looks more carefully at this process, with the aim of helping people open up to the way the Spirit would grow and mature us--not in theology or service alone, but as whole people--as messy as we can be. And, not unlike many things in nature, there are certain growth patterns that can be observed and studied. But perhaps the most fundamental concept is a very old idea summed up by John Calvin..."There is no knowledge of God without knowledge of self...there is no knowledge of self without knowledge of God". The basic journey then is the Holy Spirit leading us into the parts of ourselves we'd rather not see--and yet when we are able to look, God is there, waiting for us.

We talk a lot about having "a relationship with Jesus", but I feel I am only now discovering just what exactly relationship is. Marriage is a good teacher. Having found safety in my wife, it is easier to accept the safety offered by God. Having begun to accept the truths about myself reflected back to me by my wife (who serves so often as a mirror), I have allowed God to enter parts of my soul previously dormant. The program has given us both language to describe some of the process, which has been especially helpful for me since I am so fearful of it.

The largest realization I have had since moving out here is perhaps the awe of how dreadfully small my world has been, at every edge and corner. There is a certain directionless though substantial anger at this felt imprisonment, along with a certain lostness at the size of my new world. But there is life, too, as the long oppressed explorer is unshackled. Like the Israelites upon their release from Egypt, a part of me wishes to return to the old world I know so well--it is perhaps easier than standing straight when my back is so used to my defeated slouch. One of the larger questions on my mind is how to relate to that old world. Then, perhaps it was never the world that changed at all...only me. And perhaps when I say world I mean the old shoes I used to wear, as opposed to the new shoes I wear as man, husband, and lover. Maybe I mean both. I do not know yet.

Another big development in life lately is my health. Some of you may recall my difficulties sleeping. It has put a large burden on our marriage. My wife was a very good sleeper till I came around. Once we had health insurance I went to see a doctor about it, who referred me to a specialist. The saga has gone on all summer, but at last it seems to have come to a point--I have been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. The current solution is very effective I'm told, and involves sleeping with a mask over my face connected to a CPAP machine. Like, perhaps, Darth Vader. I'm not terribly excited about that. Then again--the thought of sleeping through the night is profoundly joyous.

The time I have to myself I spend writing and drawing in my sketchbook. I journal. I am designing and building a somewhat elaborate board game to humor projectless hands. Poetry visits from time to time as I try to articulate various irrationalities and feelings. (Sample my latest below.) But it is difficult to think I have something to offer at this junction in the way of art or writing. When one's world is small it is easy to become master of it, and once a master it is easy enough to write about it. But now...I feel as if I know nothing. And if I wrote about anything it would surely be obsolete in a months time. Rest assured the urge is there and ever present for large grandious projects, but currently such fruit is awaiting thicker branches to grow upon. My immediate plan is to write and create as needed to grow into this new and larger world.


Voyage's Dawn
by Brandon Weaver
7.7.07

Songs and tales and gestured faces
Ships and swords and preparations

Sails and seas and unseen shores
Sun and stars and sturdy oars

Storms and waves and splintered wood
Snakes and squids and siren's 'hood

Spears and knives and wounded breast
Sweat and blood and hunger's test

Gold and gems and journey's quest
Life and death and questions wrest

Seed and hull and shedding skin
Soul and sprout and to begin

I'm a real handful

This week I was emailing a dear friend of mine about how my break was going. I thought I might also share it here:

The Lord doesn't have an easy time with me. Over the course of this break, I became painfully aware of how my vice of productivity often stands diametrically opposed to the rest the Lord wants to bring my soul. He wants me to rest from my works (heb 4) but I keep looking for things to keep myself busy. I can't give up on fixing myself. Help me Lord!!!! My spiritual director sat me down last week. I came into our meeting anxious. I felt like I was squandering my break--not being spiritual enough. She asked me, "who exactly is in charge of this process?" Sting--like everything else in life, I want to be able to charge through a beautiful but slow, irregular, and painful process. I want to "help" the Lord help me. It is a ridiculous as the clay on wheel growing hands and assisting the potter in its own formation. Would I rather live in a world where I was perfect and didn't need God's help in that department than to live in surrender and honesty about my own brokenness as a person, as a soul? My behavior and its motivations are telling.

Classes start again on Monday. I am looking forward to it. This week I found out that I didn't get a job that I had interviewed for at Biola. I was so relieved! I thought that my interviews had gone well, but in the space of two weeks between the interview and finding out, the Lord reminded me of the journey we're on together and the fact is, it just takes time. Sure reading twenty books this semester will take time, so will writing papers, going to class, prayer projects, and retreats, but these things are not an end in themselves. They are each an opportunity to open to God and learn about Him or me or, ideally, both. God doesn't work on a timeline (at least one that I'm familiar with), so I am learning, very slowly, about simply being available to Him. Thankfully, I have such a kind and generous husband who insists that I give myself fully to school and not be bothered by working. And yet I am even more blessed than that, I have a husband who wants to go on this journey with me.
Thank you, Love!
dez

Opening to God

Never have I had a class that has been such an integrated part of my life. The subject matter given in my Introduction to Spiritual Formation class is part of the ongoing dialogue with my husband. We cannot have a conversation without it in someway coming back to the course material, in particular this concept of opening to God. I am so grateful for the opportunity we have had to learn about this as a couple, especially now as we are just learning about oneness.

Opening to God was a practice we were experimenting with even in our courtship, but we did not understand exactly what it was we were doing. All we knew was that we wanted the Lord to be a welcome and active member of our life together. We didn’t understand about our hidden hearts and their need to be peeled. We didn’t yet understand how the Lord would use us to help each other in the process. The lectures I have been hearing on how God changes the heart have served to validate our experience.

Brandon is certainly my soul friend as I am his. God has changed us through our experience of finding each other a safe and secure place. I first modeled to Brandon the concepts of active listening and extending unconditional positive regard to the speaker. He was quick to pick up on these skills. Through that process of reflecting back what is heard, you give the speaker the gift of mirroring what appears to be going on in the heart. Brandon was the one to teach me about being loved in my mess. He took it beyond non-judgment to love, even in my dark, ugly, broken places. Prior to this I had no concept of God’s ability or desire to love me in those places. Brandon has been reparenting me in a sense, which is opening up my ability to attach more securely to him and to the Lord.

What is it to open to God?
I know that this may sound ridiculously elementary, but I promise that it is profoundly deep:

The idea is that we are disconnected from our hearts and how the Spirit is ALWAYS working in us. As the master soul surgeon, He knows the inner weavings of our heart and will carefully use circumstances, situations, other people to open our hearts. We want to begin to pay attention to what is bubbling up in our hearts, so that we can better cooperate with Him. We want to consciously and increasingly more often ask, "Lord what are You doing in this." What are You trying to show me about my hidden heart. What is going on in my heart that has me so, e.g., angry right now? Lord what are You doing here? In this ongoing exercise one begins to learn how to attend to the Spirit.

dez

The Vice of Curiositas

This semester I have become more aware of my motivations for studying. The Lord has used some of my coursework to bubble up things in my heart that He wants me to look at with Him. The following is another excerpt from my aforementioned final (see my previous post):

My experience of the midterm in one of my classes was a real trip. I have pages and pages written in my journal about all of the fear and anxiety it caused to boil up in me. Admittedly I had to revisit the prayer project nearly every time I studied because I would just freak out. From the beginning of the semester, the Lord was very clear about what my priorities were to be: open in relationship to Him and my new husband and the homework would fall into place after that. I have been rather easy going about my homework throughout the course of this semester until this test popped up. I was blindsided by the feelings it raised. Just looking at the study guide would cause anxiety to begin to boil up in me. The temptation to shift into the “just get it done” gear was very powerful and yet there was a sense that I should not be relying on my own fortitude to plow through it. So I had to let it sit for several days.

A few days before the test was due, I asked the Lord to help me look at my paralysis surrounding this issue. I didn’t know how to approach this test without employing my old neurotic faculties. My only experience of motivating myself was to tap into the fear of facing the wrath of imperfection (which includes loss of identity, loss of esteem in other’s eyes, and perhaps loss of love). In college, this fear would inspire incredible amounts of fortitude, which always produced the results of neurotic perfection. But in a very real sense I am not that person anymore, as the Lord has been addressing those deep needs and beliefs in my heart over the years since college. Just because that drive was being lessened, did not mean I automatically knew how to study rightly.

Thankfully Dr. Coe had addressed this issue in some of his lectures. The right and true end in study should be the love of God and greater transformation into Christlikeness. Failure to study without the proper attitude is to engage in the vice of curiositas (seeking to know something for the wrong reasons, e.g. pride or seeking to know something that should not be known,e.g. pornography). Wow—have I ever spent my entire education in the execution of that vice! Anyway, back to that conversation with the Lord. What came out of that was a glimmer of understanding about loving God in my studies. It was like something switched on inside of me and studying made sense. Of course it is an opportunity to open to God. I am studying Him and His things. Why should attention to His presence in me be left out of the equation?

dez

The Hidden Heart

Well, I've finished my first semester at the Institute for Spiritual Formation. I have such a mixture of feelings. On one hand there is the relief from the work involved with school, but on the other hand, there is sadness because I really enjoy my classes and my classmates. Some of them have become very dear to me already. During my last final on Monday, I had the opportunity to write for 2 1/2 hours about how this semester has impacted me. I have decided that I will post some of those thoughts in an attempt to share more of my, and sometime our, movement into the deeper life:

God has been actively working in us through the trials we have faced over the last year and even the circumstances we have been dealing with over the last several months. Our situation of unemployment since being here has done wonders for stirring up my hidden heart. The desire to control the situation and hurry up and move through it was extremely powerful in me. Since I had spent my whole life living in the power of my self (often in the name of the Holy Spirit), my mind was going crazy trying to figure out ways to fix the situation including how to manipulate Brandon to that end.

Fear and anxiety ruled me, but then we began to discuss the nature of the heart in my classes. It’s fallen, self-deceiving, layered ad infinitem, immense, and there is no amount of fortitude in the world that can fix it. Dr. Coe said we had to despair of fixing ourselves that our first move should be opening to God. That was a paradigm shift to be sure, one that is still in process. But as I began to take in the material and internalize it, it resonated within me. The Holy Spirit is always working in me and my job is to simply open to what He is doing. I began to pay more attention to what was bubbling up in my heart with regard to our circumstance and I began dialoguing with Brandon about it and he too joined me in the process.

As we began to share the hell boiling up in our souls with each other, I noticed the fingers that I was clenching onto Brandon with began to relax. The Lord began to show us how He was taking us on another path than what we had laid out for ourselves. Though it was more painful, it lacked nothing in terms of the Lord’s care and concern for us. Had Brandon landed a great job right away, it would have only served to confirm our beliefs in the sufficiency of the flesh and the power of our autonomy. Instead, the Lord cracked our hearts wide open and we had to get honest with ourselves. I came face to face with my need to control and to provide for myself and the underlying mistrust I was harboring against my husband and the Lord. And even as I was up to my eyeballs in this mess and expecting all the condemnation that hell could muster, the Lord treated me so kindly. He looked at me with such compassion and love. It is a wondrous thing to experience yourself as loved by God even when you're bad.

dez

Happiness by an Unexpected Path

This is the face of a happy man. He is off to start his first day at work. Brandon can hardly contain his excitement at getting a job at the Doheny Eye Institute. You will have to get him to give you the details of his work there. Believe me, he will be more than happy to share it with you. Be sure to ask about the slide.

As excited as were are about this unbelievable opportunity for him. We have found ourselves filled with overwhelming gratitude for the Lord’s kindness to us over the last many months. We had something of a naïve idea coming out here that Brandon would get a job right away, and we thought we would be the generous ones with our neighbors and friends out here. But the Lord chose to take us by another path. If we hadn’t experienced the lack and the struggle of the last months we would not have experienced the Lord’s physical provision. Please don’t take this for a superficial “God is so good” though He is. Something has changed deep within us from these experiences. One of the most heartrending provisions was the anonymous payment of our rent for the month of November. We were blown away by God’s care for us. Someone saw us and our need and took it upon themselves to meet our need. We were utterly stunned. It changed how we look at our possessions and money. We have also been blessed by cards and letters from home that have happened to include money at just the right times. The fact that Brandon got any freelance work at all in this great big city is a miracle in of itself and another display of the Lord's great kindness.

We are also learning that God’s care and provision extend far beyond our physical bodies. God is working in us ALL OF THE TIME to open us to the truth ourselves in relationship with Him. He uses everyday circumstances to bring up the stuff in our hearts that we have tried hard to keep down. We are learning to open to the Lord in all things. This practice is teaching us how to attend to the Holy Spirit.

I, in particular, have a lot to learn about this. The prayer project I was given in one of my classes last week was to pray Psalm 139:23-24 every day, preferably in the morning, and ask the Lord to peel back the layers of my heart throughout the course of the day. By the end of the week, I realized how completely inattentive I can be to the Lord because I have not even invited Him into my conscious awareness. I believe Dr. Coe (one of my professors) when he says that you have to develop this habit of heart to pray without ceasing. It does not come naturally. I have been made very aware of that this week. I can go whole chunks of the day without even thinking about the Lord or attempting to connect with Him. I believe that He is working all of the time at showing me my heart, but I can be pretty oblivious and, at times, altogether uninterested. Another layer of my hidden heart exposed… my ambivalence toward the Lord. There are parts of me that this awareness pains deeply and other parts that say, “yep, that’s about right.”

dez

Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)
Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful (literally “painful”) way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way.

The Deeper Journey

Well, here it is, my big blogging début. Whatever shall I write about? It occurs to me that there is a big part our of journey out here in LA that has not gotten much blog space. We are not just exploring a new city, but we are exploring a new life, i.e., the deeper life in Christ. This is coming about mostly through my classes at the Institute for Spiritual Formation but also through relationship with Brandon. We are very much together on this journey into the deeper life, and it has been incredible not only to open up to greater intimacy with each other but with the Lord as well.

I was recently emailing a friend about what I have been learning, so I thought I would share it here too:

I am realizing that I have been operating to some degree out of my unconscious theology of God regardless of the systematic theology that I hold in my conscious. For example I believe in my head that God loves me. What plays out in my life is that I act and think that God is my judge, that he is somehow linked to the voice of condemnation in my head. Furthermore there are parts of me that don't believe I can trust God to take care of me or meet my inmost needs or my physical ones for that matter. Rather, I have a deep belief that I must take care of myself even to the extent of manipulating circumstances and people to that end. I've got lots more examples if you are interested.

Each of us has a well of deep beliefs and desires, in large part due to our experiences in life, especially early ones. We learn early that people can't deal with our mess so we hide it. This gets impacted over the years and we eventually get disconnect from conscious awareness of this rather oceanic part of ourselves.

This is especially problematic for the Christian who feels this pressure to be perfect. The machine of the church has convinced them that they have to hide their badness. This causes for some people a double life, as in the case of Ted Haggard. In my churh experience there is ongoing teaching toward three ends: 1) developing systematic theology and gaining Bible knowledge, and 2) using fortitude in the name of the Holy Spirit to manage one’s behaviors, and 3) frenetic participation and service in church ministries. With these factors serving as the measuring stick for Christian growth and maturity, there is little time for matters of the inward life.

What I am learning is that God could care less about me living a perfect life. He is not interested in me fixing myself. He is interested in relationship with me. If Christianity were only a program of moral improvement, it would require neither God nor a Christ. It could exist on the basis of personal effort toward perfection. Jesus attacked this notion of self-achieving-perfectionism on many occasions, especially when the Pharisees were around (e.g., Matt 23). A poignant example would be Luke 10. In this story, Jesus is at the home of Martha and Mary. Martha is scurrying around doing good work and gets frustrated when Jesus lets Mary just sit as His feet. Jesus makes clear that Mary has chosen the better thing here, i.e. relationship over work.

This week I have been pondering Hebrews 4 and Matthew 11:28-30. They are both invitations to enter into God's rest. We are invited to enter this Sabbath rest and rest from our works. That is so contrary to my unconscious theology of having to fix myself and earn his love. Why is it that I have not seen this up until now? The freedom that is being offered here threatens to completely rock my world. What would it mean to really live with the pressure off?

I realize that this is starting to look like a sermon, so I am going to stop myself. Perhaps, I will close this line of thinking by saying that I have been completely blown away by what I have been learning. My evangelical faith tradition had lost the many of these treasures of mystical spirituality during the Reformation in their zeal to pursue sola scriptura. In a very real sense, I am compelled to grieve for that loss. There is richness in the Christian experience and tradition that I had no idea about.

Dez