Painting at the Artists' Retreat

The artist retreat was a wonderful time to sit down and paint. Though I was sketching what I saw in the outdoors, I find I often use my sketches (in combination with journaling) as a sort of interactive prayer, and this weekend was particularly inspiring, for a number of reasons.

First, I had to go through all my art supplies. I've done some loose sketching outdoors before, but I've (and I'm somewhat surprised to say this) never really painted outdoors. I was inspired by a few blog posts I found, including this outdoor painting tutorial and this entry by James Gurney. (I highly recommend his blog by the way.)

So I distilled my art supplies into a surprisingly small bag, and started my first endeavor into outdoor painting/drawing. (I actually chose to use a mixture of ink pens, ink wash, and watercolor, so I'm not sure if it's better described as painting or drawing. I'll use the two terms interchangeably until further advised.)

[My drawings.]


[Photo's of what I was painting from.]


I'll quote from my journal here to explain what I was thinking about as I drew these:
In the morning I felt the need to climb something. Somehow my drawing required something more, something difficult. I ascended a steep hill. I walked past many things worthy of being drawn. I asked myself "at what point is it time to stop? Which scene will I paint?"

I kept moving. Something drove me on. A destination perhaps? Would fatigue stop me? I am not sure. It's as if I needed to earn or prove something. At last I settled upon a spot, a downward spiraling path. The painting went better than i would have hoped.

On the way back I thought it strange to walk uphill so much to paint a downhill scene. I thought how hard it was to ascend, but how easy it is to descend....I began thinking about how normally we think it hard to ascend up to God, how much work it is to "get to heaven", or "see God", or "be good", etc. I'm reminded of the painting "The Heavenly Ladder of Saint John Climacus" with pious souls climbing the ladder to God and flying demons knocking them off.

[The Heavenly Ladder of Saint John Climacus, 12th Century]
Even Christian from the Pilgrim's Progress is reminiscent of this mountain climbing theme. But ascension is not where I am at. Like Dante, I am descending. And descent is hard. It's hard to see myself as I am, and it's hard to receive love as I am. Perhaps this mirror's Christ's pattern, his "descent" from Gethsemane to the Cross to the Belly of the Earth was hard. Clearly. But his ascent to glory at the Father's side was, in a sense, easy. Descent and death are hard. Ascent and glory are easy. I tried to paint these things, but instead only struggled with ascending. As if work ascending might make descending easier, or more meaningful, or less painful.

What I'm saying is I found this amusing flip: ascending is difficult if it's a physical mountain, but easy if it is spiritual glory. Descending is easy while hiking, but descending into the soul is perhaps the hardest work we could ever do. It amazes me how often I try to ascend on my own under my own power to try and earn acceptance and love. Or how often I sit around and pray and wait for God to raise me up with his power so I can be accepted and loved by others. But the reality is, I need to go down. I need to descend.

The funny thing is, I don't see God at the top of a ladder. I don't see God in the heavens or standing upon a mountain. I see Him in my heart, in the deep waters, and it is to these deep waters that I hear Him inviting me. It is while I descend that I have my closest most meaningful moments with God. It is as I descend that I am most terrified. I've been throwing things into the basement of my soul for a long time, and it's become somewhat of a garbage pit. I really don't know what I'm going to find down there anymore. Except, as I mentioned, a God who is waiting for me.

(A proviso: when I say "deep waters" I am referring to the more hidden portions of our hearts, as described in Proverbs 20:5, not some sort of "deep thinking" or intellectual high-ground. I say this rather sloppily, but the strict rational mind has proven to me to be quite perilous when dealing with the deep waters, which are filled with emotions and feelings and beliefs and desires and a great many things that do not necessarily follow rhyme or reason.)

Birthday Extravaganza 12/18-19/07

Wow did I ever have a great birthday! Definitely in my top three of all time. Although it didn't start out very promising:
We got back from our honeymoon cruise on the 18th. Unfortunately we came home to a bit of a disaster. Facility Services was in our apartment replacing the kitchen sink and doing some work in the bathroom while we were gone. They weren't terribly considerate of the mess they made as there was an impressive layer of industrial strength dust on EVERYTHING we have--even in the cupboards. We had to leave for a while and regroup before returning to begin the massive clean-up effort. We even had some neighbors stop by to clean our rather large book shelves while Brandon and I scrubbed out the kitchen. It was an extremely disheartening day, but it was also an excellent distraction for me.

As it turns out Brandon had been conspiring with our neighbors to throw a surprise party for me. At the last minute the party was moved to our upstairs neighbors' place instead of the original off-site plan. So they were scrambling around trying get things ready without me seeing. We had our door and windows all open, so they were so worried that I would see them sneaking around. However, I was so engrossed with the in-depth cleaning that I had absolutely no clue.
So I thought nothing of it when our upstairs neighbors stopped by and asked us to come over and tell them about our trip. When it was time to go I was wearing my dirty t-shirt and track pants from cleaning and had every intention of going that way. Brandon talked me into jeans and a sweater saying that it would make me feel better. I'm glad he did. Imagine my surprise when after we started visiting with the couple upstairs all of these people jumped out and yelled, "SURPRISE!!" and it was a surprise. They had me. It was fun to hear them tell stories about all of their sneaky business in arranging this party and working hard to keep me clueless. We had pizza and played Pit. Good times! I felt blessed and loved.

The next day was my actual birthday. There was lots of talking on the phone as friends and family called to wish me a happy birthday and to hear about our cruise. I got to go shopping with my neighbor Melissa to spend my birthday money while Brandon was at work. Brandon's present to me was tickets to see
Wicked at the Pantages Theatre that night. I love getting dressed up and going out to enjoy performing arts of many kinds, but this was an especially enjoyable evening. Check out the link to find out more about this musical production. http://wickedthemusical.com/#AboutWicked

Artists' Retreat 11/16-18/07

Through a series of somewhat random events I found myself googling around about Catalina Island. Catalina is an island off the coast of Southern California, and through the course of my web surfing came across an InterVarsity Camp that was hosting an Artists' Retreat. We made arrangements to attend, and became very excited about it.

Arriving at the island required no small effort, and the camp itself is only accessible by boat. We drove to the docks, parked, and then boarded a ferry that transported us to the island's main city Avalon. From there we switched from the larger ferry to a smaller motorboat, which took us to the camp. It was night by the time we approached, the boat bouncing rather strongly in the waves as we traveled around the island. The darkness, the cold salty air, the turbulent boat ride, this last leg of the journey served to strip away the city from which we came and reset our senses for the duration of our stay. It was, perhaps, the best part. When we arrived, we had already been transformed.


[On the ferry, waiting to travel to Catalina Island.]


[On the motorboat.]


[Long Beach, where we parked our car.]


[The island, as seen in the sunlight, the next day.]

This "transformation" is perhaps best described by the fact that each morning we got up to watch the sunrise. This really surprised me, and for all you who know me, this should surprise you too. I am not known for being a morning person, but I couldn't keep myself away. Before I knew what had happened I was up watching the waves and the sunrise and these crazy birds dive into the water.

[Despite getting up early both mornings, the sunrises were actually pretty gray and foggy.]


We were placed in a lovely cabin beside the ocean. We had an ocean-view window. We could hear the waves at night. It was marvelous.

[We stayed on the beach.]

The retreat itself was beautifully structured. We arrived Friday evening. We met for a while on Friday so we could all introduce ourselves to each other. There were about 20 or so of us in total. Saturday we met after breakfast for a short while, then had the entire day to paint or draw. In the evening we met to share what we had created. Sunday morning we met after breakfast to conclude the retreat. The free-time-to-meeting-time ratio was not something I've ever experience on any Christian retreat before. It was a wonderful way to have an artists' retreat. I'll post my sketches separately.

[Normally around this time of year I would be deer hunting with my Dad and brothers. They did quite well this year without me, and as I was hiking around I saw this guy a few times.]

Tiff's Visit 11/3-5/07

Tiffany hails from La Crosse, WI and was a part of that great group of friends that Brandon and I came together in, so we were so thrilled to have another close friend from home come to see us in our corner of the world.

[At one point she had three birds sitting on her. Just like one of those princesses in one of those Disney movies. --Brandon]


It was an action packed weekend as we wanted to show Tiffany a good time in this great big city of ours. Saturday we went to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. Tiff wowed us with her encyclopedic knowledge of the marine world. We went to the sea lion/seal show, pet sting rays, and were introduced to some of her all time favorite fish.


Ironically, after a long day of fish watching, we decided to go out for sushi at Kabuki's, one of our favorite places out here. Brandon likes to treat our out of town guests to this experience. Tiffany was a great sport. We had an eel roll, california roll, alaska roll, scallop roll, and rainbow roll. We also tried some sake cocktails, which were much tastier than straight sake. Brandon really wishes he liked straight sake either hot or cold. He hopes every time that he tries it that it will become more palatable to him, but it never does. Bless his heart.
[This is Dez saying "Bless his heart..." -- Brandon]


Sunday was the Disneyland extravaganza. One of my friends from school works at Disneyland and blessed us with some free passes to both Disneyland and California Adventure. Tickets are normally about $90 to get into both parks, so this was a real treat.

[I'm the guy in the middle. --Brandon]


Tiffany and Brandon stayed up late the night before mapping out their attack plan to get the most possible out of this trip. It was cute to watch them strategizing and prioritizing (this is serious business!!), but their work payed off as we had a full and fun day--12 hours. I still love California Screaming--who thought I would like rollercoasters? I would also like to announce to the world that I beat Brandon on the Astroblasters (Buzz Lightyear) ride. Of course, he did demand a rematch and beat me soundly. All was right in his world again. Captain Jack Sparrow was entertaining crowds on
Tom Sawyer's Island. He was a captivating performer. I think Tiffany has a little crush on him!



[I won't try to explain this picture, other than to say that I won. -- Brandon]


Monday, Tiffany I had some time to catch up. She also came to one of my classes with me. It was fun to show her my life out here. She said she even enjoyed the lecture and meeting my classmates. She was amazed at the level of relational intimacy we enjoy as a cohort in this program--we don't waste time with small talk, we spill our guts with each other.

When Brandon got home that night we went to In & Out for supper. This is a California Institution--an absolute must do. They keep it simple and make it great. You can choose from a hamburger, cheeseburger. or a double cheeseburger and that's it. They also serve fries and tasty shakes. Everything is fresh, even the french fries (they cut the potatoes right there). So good! After supper, Tiffany's friend from Encino came to pick her up. She's a new mom and Tiff was gonna give her a hand and some company for the rest of the week.

As it turns out she returned to Minneapolis on the same flight with the entire LA Galaxy soccer team. If you know what a huge a soccer fan Tiff is, you know this was a big deal! Even David Beckham gave her a little smile. The Galaxy were traveling to play the Minnesota Thunder in an exhibition game the next day, which Tiff attended with her family.

[ This is not a picture of David Beckham. -- Brandon]


Christmas Day

I got up bright and early this morning. Not so much to check my stocking but to do the dishes from Brandon's extravagant meal last night. Our deal is that Brandon does most of the cooking and I do all of the dishes. [That, I must add, is an awesome deal. For me. -- Brandon] Chefs spare no dishes when they are cooking, so there is always quite a pile when he's done. Though it is really hard to complain when he makes such good meals. After I had cleaned off some counter space, I put together a big pot of chili in the crock pot. I used serrano chilies and did my hands ever burn all day long. Clearly I am a novice at handling them. If anyone has any suggestions for avoiding the chemical burn from the chilies I'd love to hear about it.

Then we snuggled up to watch Flash Gordon, one of Brandon's childhood favorite films.

[This film is great. The music is by Queen. It's really just about the best imaginative crazy little film a sci-fi loving lad could have. It's got Hawkmen! Queen did the music! Max von Sydow outside of a depressing Ingmar-Bergman-film! and Queen! Yeah! -- Brandon]

You are not alone if you never heard of it, I hadn't either, but it was probably one of Brandon's favorite Christmas presents. [My two other favorites were: The Arcade Fire album "Neon Bible" from my friend Micah, and a wireless remote controlled helicopter from my parents. -- Brandon] The soundtrack is done entirely by Queen [Yeah! -- Brandon] causing some to classify it as a rock opera. It is a campy superhero story without the superpowers. Maybe that was it's point that you don't have to have superpowers to be a superhero. Flash Gordon is the hero for the common man apparently, for those of us who can't relate to extraordinary powers [Yet can relate Hawkmen. -- Brandon] .

Next, it was off to the beach. We went to Crystal Cove, our favorite beach out here, and wandered about until it was time to watch the sunset. Beautiful!! Watching the sun set behind Catalina Island as it sent it's sparkling rays over the waters is definitely not something we could do back in the Midwest.

[Really, the only thing that would make this scene better would be a soundtrack by Queen. And Hawkmen. Spelling out words as they fly in formation across the sky. Words like the lyrics from a great Queen soundtrack. Yeah! -- Brandon]

[Dez had fun writing things in the sand, since we had no Hawkmen to write things in the sky. -- Brandon]

[And after I stopped talking about Flash Gordon, Dez came back and cuddled up for this picture. But look at that smirk on my face. I'm totally going to say "Queen" again. Yeah! -- Brandon]


Lastly, we had our neighbors Raphael and Melissa over for supper. They like us, were among the very few in grad housing who didn't disperse to their various homelands for Christmas. I served up the chili that had been simmering all day. The smell alone made your mouth water. Brandon made some excellent guacamole. He must have chosen some perfectly ripe avocados as it was so flavorful. We use the recipe we found on Chipotlefan.com. We like to add more lime for extra zing in case your were wondering what our secret is. And of course there was good conversation and lots of laughter to complete this wonderful meal.

I am truly grateful for this time of life: to be married to Brandon, making it on our own in LA, the challenge and gift of my grad program, our wonderful neighbors with whom we delight in sharing life, faithful friends, that Brandon has a good job through which he's able to provide for us, and the opportunity to go on the deeper journey with the Lord both separately and together. My heart is full.

Can this be Christmas time?

I have to admit that it is more than a little strange to have sunny and 75 degree weather for Christmas. We are more familiar with the single digit temperature, gray, and snowy type Christmases back home. It's more like a gorgeous fall day here. The leaves are turned (well as much as they can in this temperate climate) and are slowly descending from their perches above. Today we decided to go to the park to celebrate this beautiful strangeness. Of course, we did stop at Starbucks for a special holiday coffee treat. Brandon had the eggnog latte and I had the peppermint mocha--delightful!!

Here are a few pics we took at the La Mirada Regional Park this afternoon:

[Dez has started taking artistic photographs. It's very exciting to see her express herself in this way. -- Brandon]

[Another of Dez's subjects. Leaves make her giddy. -- Brandon]



[If you're wondering how we get all these photo's of us, once again, it is Dez taking them. She's become quite adept at reaching forwards and pointing the camera back at us. -- Brandon]

[What is Christmas without ducks? (that is a setup...all you funny people out there can add the punchline.) -- Brandon]

It is also strange not to be with our families today. Our friends and family have faithfully and lovingly sent us Christmas cards and packages filled with treasures, but it's not at all the same as being with them. We miss you guys and will be thinking of you tonight when we open up those packages. At the same time, it's also been good for us to think about what it means to celebrate Christmas in our own way. What things did we do with our families that we would like to continue? What are some new things we would like to try? One thing we will keep the same is opening presents on Christmas eve night. That was always a very big deal in my house growing up because I don't think my dad could wait till Christmas morning. Something new for us will be a picnic on the beach on Christmas day.

Brandon is busy in the kitchen. He is making scallops and stuffed mushrooms for dinner tonight. He is quite the chef!

[Ah...she brags. Then again, I did create a photomontage of myself cooking... -- Brandon]

[End result: The scallops, though tasty, were slightly overcooked. I must have spent too much time posing for the camera. The veggies were good. The mushrooms had too much cream cheese, which made them an unfortunate blend of too rich and too disgusting. The snickerdoodles were as I remembered them from my childhood...chock full of the goodness. -- Brandon]



Peace and blessing to you dear family and friends in the name of our Lord Jesus.

The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
The LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Deuteronomy 8:24-26

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.
Luke 2:13-14

Costume Party -10/28/07




We got invited to a little costume party with some of our friends from my program. It was so fun to see everyone get into it. I went shopping a few days before with Grace, Lauren, and Charity at Savers (a thrift store). We had so much fun trying on the most obnoxious ensembles we could come up with. Charity and Grace ended up with 80's prom dresses. Brandon and I ended up with more of a 60's flower child thing. I would like to say that 100% of Brandon's costume came from his closet with a few of my accessories. Perhaps Brandon was born in the wrong decade. He seemed very at home in this attire and attitude.





Update on the Fire

I was writing a note to family about the fires in Southern California, and I thought I'd post it here as well:

The nearest fire (a small one; 160 acres burned) was about 25 miles to the East. It is now 100% contained. The larger ones in San Diego with all the evacuations are about 80 miles to the South. There are also some large fires 50 miles to the Northwest, and still more to the Northeast. It looks like a lot of progress was made towards containment on these today. We are not currently in any danger from the fires or evacuations. (At home, work, or school.) We've smelled a lot of smoke in the air (at one point it was quite powerful) and there is snow-like ash floating everywhere, but we are quite safe. Considering all the flooding that plagued our homeland (Wisconsin & Minnesota), it's been an ironic and foreboding reminder of how fragile our world is, wherever that world may be.


The LA Times has been covering this very well, you can see it online at: http://www.latimes.com

A nice graphic from the LA Times
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-102407-me-fire-g,0,1346215.graphic?coll=la-home-center

Google Map of the Fires (We live in La Mirada, a few blocks from Biola University if you want to compare our location to that of the fires.)

Fire!

The news has been faithful to report that large portions of Southern California are aflame. The odor currently infultrating our apartment and overiding our senses is akin to that of a campfire that some bozo threw a bunch of styrofoam plates upon. Smokey, and chemicalish. The city I would say is anxious, but experienced. We're not that worried, though it is a shame to lose so much forest.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We went to the taping of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" this afternoon. It was fun. Tickets are free, you just have to sign up for them. Seating is on a first come first serve basis. We got their early and got really good seats. We ended up sitting in the second row. (There were also some floor seats up a little closer.) We were about 20 feet from the stage. There were these crazy girls sitting two rows behind us, desperately trying to attract attention. They were very loud.

The studio was very small. It sat roughly 200-300 people. It was very cold. (We wore jackets.) I was really surprised just how small it was. I was expecting something much larger. Jay Leno walked out about 15-20minutes before taping began, and he told some jokes and explained how the show was going to work. He took pictures with some of the audience.

Afterwards, this other comedian came out and told some jokes, warming up the audience. He made fun of a lot of people, so at times it was hard to watch. He was jestful, but perhaps also mean. He threw some stuff out into the audience, and I ended up catching a small "bag" of some sort. It has some travel stuff in it.

Then the show started.

Steve Carell was the first guest, followed by a little 9-year old girl.

The musical guest was the band Bright Eyes.

Overall, it was really interesting (and at times quite funny) to be there. My world is now a little smaller though. The "bigness" of a national TV show is actually produced in a small studio by relatively normal looking people. Magic seems to dissipate with observation.

Stay Away from the Dumpster

No joke; it is super stinky!



You see we have had a major heatwave here in Southern California for a full week now (think triple digits). This weekend it culminated in a power outage on our block. It went out at 4:45 pm on Sunday and stayed off until about 8:15 am Tuesday. Groceries don't fair well in the sweltering heat especially with no power, so our collective dumpster is filled with spoiled food, is any racoon's dream, and by the end of the day I suspect we will be able to smell it from our apartment.


Two nights without so much as a fan and certainly not air conditioning was definitely an insult to our pampered life. Sleep just doesn't happen for me when I can feel the sweat pooling up on my body as I lay there wide awake. It was even worse for Brandon who needs to use his CPAP machine at night, which requires power. Thankfully, one of my classmates offered us accommodations on the second night. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Abbie!!


There were some great things that came out of the power outage, in particular, quality time with our neighbors. We have been able to spend a great deal of time with some of our neighbors as we've tried to make the best of the situation. Sunday night we sat outside and visited until our hungry stomachs cried out for satisfaction, so off we all went to the Soupplantation. We closed it down as we were not in any hurry to return to the dark furnace of our apartment building. Monday, it was no surprise to find everyone camped out at Panera for the day (it's the perfect spot for that kind of thing: good food, coffee, and free WiFi). Monday night we decided to grill out some our defrosting food with some other neighbors. It was quite a feast: salmon and cheesecake!


Dan & Chelsea live next to us on one side. He's in the Philosophy program at Talbot and she is working on her Masters in Social Work at USC. They are Orange County natives and a lot of fun!

John & Erica live next to us on the other side. He's also in the Philosophy program and she is a substitute teacher. They hail from South Carolina.

Danny & Kara live across from us. He is in the Philosophy program as well and she is a middle school science teacher. They just moved here from La Crosse, WI of all places. We swam in the pool and BBQed with them as we reminisced about favorite places back home.



We are so glad to be able to live here in grad housing with all of these great people. These are just some of the friends we have here. The Lord has provided the communities of grad housing and ISF (my program) and though nobody has very much money being in this phase of life, we find ourselves to be rich indeed.

Reflections: Year One

Here's a snapshot of the last year: getting married, moving across the country while simultaneously separating from my family for the first time (with parents who were not yet prepared to release me); a desperate job search and it's subsequent victory; adjusting to a new and foriegn culture; emotionally supporting a wife in a very intensive grad program; trying to connect with a whole new set of friends and find a support network while trying to maintain at least some ties from the old; dealing with some health issues that are fairly intrusive into not only my quality of life but now also my wife's...Here's a cartoon I found that pretty much sums up a lot of life over the past year.



Things are starting to settle down though.

I'm currently working at the Doheny Eye Institute. I'm currently helping to develop algorithms to help interpret retinal images. The job can be pretty fun, and if we're successful, we will end up helping to save quite a lot of people from losing their vision.

Married life can also be pretty fun. We've gone on a number of adventures around LA. There is so much to do here. This weekend we went to see "The Taming of the Shrew" in park. We had a picnic while we watched the performance. It was peaceful and grand. We are starting to have a lot of fun at the beach. We've tried surfing on longboards, and bodysurfing--both of which are a blast. We have a lot of fun together. I like being married to Desiree. We are a good match, and life is so promising together. I am a better person for it.

When we were dating we took a "pre-marriage" class our church offered. We had extensive pre-marriage counseling. We read books and talked to others so we were not unprepared when our marriage was strained with our rather intense number of substantial transitions. Calling marriage hard seems cliche and not exactly accurate. More to the point, transitions are hard. Poor health is hard. Actually seeing someone, and being in a state to see them when they need to be seen, is hard. Asking for what you want is hard. Confrontation is hard. Being present to someone is hard. The articulation of feelings and the "deep waters" of my heart is hard. Looking at the painful things I am so much better at hiding and ignoring is hard. Looking at the painful things in my wife's life is hard. But in the end, it was our ability to see and connect with one another on such a deep level that led us together, so there is a certain joy in all this hardness, which makes married life so good.

Dez's program has really helped make sense of a lot of the messy stuff that has been in our lives for quite some time. Her program is "Spiritual Formation & Soul Care", which, on the outset, sounds perhaps a little fluffy. The program was developed by a guy named John Coe, who spent 18 some years in graduate education, and earned numerous degrees in philosophy and theology, and then spent a number of years teaching at a school of psychology. All this is to say, he's created a very fascinating program that seems very historically and theologically grounded in a topic all but forgotten by the evangelical world I was birthed from.

This idea of spiritual formation, then, is taking a closer look at how exactly a believer grows and develops over time. At First Free, my old church, this was a very simple model...You are saved...you learn the staples of reading your bible, worship and prayer...you learn a lot of theology...you serve the church. And that, really, is the end of the line. Anything after is either more service or more theology. The "deer panting for water" and the subsequent "living streams" are just sort of circumstantially magical feelings we are to embrace when present and stoically endure when absent. The result of such--what I'll call isolated spirituality--is the unfortunate stereotypical Christian that has so much knowledge yet remains so immature--not only in a spiritual sense but in a holistic sense. One of the talks I've heard Coe give is entitled "Why do we sin when we know so much?", and it is a fascinating look at the mechanisms that cause us to behave in certain ways despite our best efforts. These mechanisms live in what Coe calls the "hidden heart", and his basic premise is that the extent to which we don't know our hidden hearts is the extent to which we have no control over our undesired behaviors.

Spiritual formation, then, looks more carefully at this process, with the aim of helping people open up to the way the Spirit would grow and mature us--not in theology or service alone, but as whole people--as messy as we can be. And, not unlike many things in nature, there are certain growth patterns that can be observed and studied. But perhaps the most fundamental concept is a very old idea summed up by John Calvin..."There is no knowledge of God without knowledge of self...there is no knowledge of self without knowledge of God". The basic journey then is the Holy Spirit leading us into the parts of ourselves we'd rather not see--and yet when we are able to look, God is there, waiting for us.

We talk a lot about having "a relationship with Jesus", but I feel I am only now discovering just what exactly relationship is. Marriage is a good teacher. Having found safety in my wife, it is easier to accept the safety offered by God. Having begun to accept the truths about myself reflected back to me by my wife (who serves so often as a mirror), I have allowed God to enter parts of my soul previously dormant. The program has given us both language to describe some of the process, which has been especially helpful for me since I am so fearful of it.

The largest realization I have had since moving out here is perhaps the awe of how dreadfully small my world has been, at every edge and corner. There is a certain directionless though substantial anger at this felt imprisonment, along with a certain lostness at the size of my new world. But there is life, too, as the long oppressed explorer is unshackled. Like the Israelites upon their release from Egypt, a part of me wishes to return to the old world I know so well--it is perhaps easier than standing straight when my back is so used to my defeated slouch. One of the larger questions on my mind is how to relate to that old world. Then, perhaps it was never the world that changed at all...only me. And perhaps when I say world I mean the old shoes I used to wear, as opposed to the new shoes I wear as man, husband, and lover. Maybe I mean both. I do not know yet.

Another big development in life lately is my health. Some of you may recall my difficulties sleeping. It has put a large burden on our marriage. My wife was a very good sleeper till I came around. Once we had health insurance I went to see a doctor about it, who referred me to a specialist. The saga has gone on all summer, but at last it seems to have come to a point--I have been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. The current solution is very effective I'm told, and involves sleeping with a mask over my face connected to a CPAP machine. Like, perhaps, Darth Vader. I'm not terribly excited about that. Then again--the thought of sleeping through the night is profoundly joyous.

The time I have to myself I spend writing and drawing in my sketchbook. I journal. I am designing and building a somewhat elaborate board game to humor projectless hands. Poetry visits from time to time as I try to articulate various irrationalities and feelings. (Sample my latest below.) But it is difficult to think I have something to offer at this junction in the way of art or writing. When one's world is small it is easy to become master of it, and once a master it is easy enough to write about it. But now...I feel as if I know nothing. And if I wrote about anything it would surely be obsolete in a months time. Rest assured the urge is there and ever present for large grandious projects, but currently such fruit is awaiting thicker branches to grow upon. My immediate plan is to write and create as needed to grow into this new and larger world.


Voyage's Dawn
by Brandon Weaver
7.7.07

Songs and tales and gestured faces
Ships and swords and preparations

Sails and seas and unseen shores
Sun and stars and sturdy oars

Storms and waves and splintered wood
Snakes and squids and siren's 'hood

Spears and knives and wounded breast
Sweat and blood and hunger's test

Gold and gems and journey's quest
Life and death and questions wrest

Seed and hull and shedding skin
Soul and sprout and to begin

Surfing.

We got the opportunity to go surfing a weekend or two ago. It was pretty much the coolest thing ever. I couldn't help but giggle at all the people that have since asked "did you get up?" Yes, I "got it up."

If I haven't scared you off with innuendo's, I have a picture.



Now, the story goes something like this. After some initial attempts, I realized that just sitting out there in the water on the board is harder than it looks. Balancing on water is very different. After learning to balance (well enough that is) one has to learn how to catch waves. I have a lot to learn about this yet. After you catch a wave, you must learn to ride it. To stand up and walk. This, I thought, was simultaneously the easiest and most fun aspect of surfing. Once you have some balance and have caught a good wave, standing up is just sort of standing up.

In the above picture, a friend and classmate of Dez's was surfing next to me, and she fell off and her board collided into mine. If you look closely at the picture, you can see her board on top of my own.

I look like I'm going to fall in the picture, but I didn't. I rode the wave out. It was at that moment, for the first time that day, that I allowed myself to believe I was actually surfing. Now I'm pretty much sold on the idea, and hope to surf more before the summer is through.

Dez had fun too--she rode some waves in. We had fun swimming together. It's the first time we've been swimming in the ocean since we've been out here. Unfortunately, our sunscreen didn't hold itself up to the task, and we both get burnt, despite reapplications and such. We've since done some research and switched to another brand.

A Wedding and John Wayne



















This weekend, Brandon and I went the wedding of Melissa, one of my friends from school, to Raphael, one of our neighbors here in grad housing. I am excited to have Melissa be my neighbor, but that means we're not the newest newlyweds on the block anymore. Oh well!

It feels good to have some time and distance between us and all the drama proceeding our own wedding back in August. As I watched Melissa get ready for her big day this last week, I couldn't help but relive the days prior to my own stint as a bride. Those days are so full of people and preparations and parties. And that is the perfect recipe for drama of all kinds--I know all you once-brides are nodding your head in agreement right now.

It feels good to be down to the business of living our lives together. Don't get me wrong, we enjoyed our wedding, especially the ceremony, but it is so nice to settle into couplehood. We've had a unique opportunity to do that out here in LA, away from the pressures and expectations of family and friends (not that we don't miss them terribly). Here we are free to discover our own path, to figure out what it means for us to be one. It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from the movie McClintock, a John Wayne classic and a Wohlert family favorite. In the scene John Wayne's character is sharing a fatherly moment with his daughter trying to explain one of life's beautiful mysteries:

"There's something I ought to tell you, I guess now's as good a time
as any. You're gonna have every young buck West of the Missouri around
here trying to marry you. Mostly because you're a handsome filly, but
partly cause I own everything in this country from here to there. And
they'll think your gonna inherit it. Well, your not. I'm going to
leave most of it, well, to the nation, really, for a park, where no
lumber mill, can cut down all the trees for houses with leaky roofs.
Nobody will kill all the beaver for hats for dudes. Or murder the
buffalo for robes.

"What I'm gonna give you is a 500 cow spread on the upper Green River.
While that might not seem like much, that's more than we had, your
mother and I. Some folks are gonna say I'm doing all this so I can sit
up in the hereafter and look down on a park named after me. Or that I
was disappointed in you, didn't want you to get all that money. But
the real reason, Becky, is because I love you, and I want you and some
young man to have what I had. Because all the gold in the United
States Treasury and all the harp music in heaven can't equal what
happens between a man and a woman, with all that growing together. I
can't explain it any better than that."



Star Wars Celebration IV: The Fun We Had

Star Wars Celebration IV: A lot of fun was had on our Friday visit to the celebration. It was billed as the "largest Star Wars party", celebrating 30 years of Star Wars (to the day).

The first thing we did was spend a lot of time marveling and, well, gawking. It was quite a sight. There were so many stormtroopers, jedi, boba fett's, clone troopers, princess leia's, queen amadala's in any of her assorted dresses, rebel pilots, rebel soldiers, aliens, sith, a gamorrean guard, a life-size Jabba the Hutt....The list went on and on.

After gawking for a while we found ourselves watching "Star Wars in 30min" a play with a cast of about a dozen running through the original trilogy at break-neak speed. It was quite hilarious, but best described in person.

I've always enjoyed playing Star Wars video games. Running out into a digital world shooting a bunch of stormtroopers has always lifted my spirits. However, I may have found a new passion...Star Wars Lasertag. That was perhaps the highlight of my day. Running around shooting live stormtroopers--that was great. My team won all three of our rounds. The best moment of the game was round three...both teams were in our respective corners of the playing field. The command was given to attack...I ran to the other side of the field then slid the last ten feet into my position behind an abondoned tank, flanking three stormtroopers. I didn't last long in so forward a position, but drawing their fire did provide the needed distraction for the rest of the team to advance. I got many complements for my slide move. Memories I won't soon forget.

From Star Wars Cel...


There is this group of droid builders we visited, who had built some truely amazing droids. Throughout the conference we saw many R2 units (along with many other droids) zooming around flirting (more or less) with many onlookers. These guys are spending thousands of dollars (literally) to design and construct these droids. Me and Dez picked out a few favorites. I'd just like to give a little shout out to all my Mysty Homies! Hey oh! (Because, ah, everyone knows that Mysties shout "hey oh" all time. Right. Ah-hem.)

From Star Wars Cel...


From Star Wars Cel...


Next, we went to the much anticipated Costume Pagent. The room was packed. The costumes ranged from halirous, to cute (they had a kids catagory) to literally 1000's of hours of work. Some of the girls who had sown and embroidered their Amadala dresses produced some truely amazing gowns. My favorite costumes where: this cute little (5-year old-ish) kid in a pretty fuzzy ewok costume; A man dressed as "The George Lucas Jedi" with flannel jedi robes; the gamorrean guard--who won best in show--his costume could have come straight from the movie it was so good.

From Star Wars Cel...


Frome here we went to stand in line for the opening ceremonies. It had been a fun day.

From Star Wars Cel...


View more of our pictures here.

View some other conference photos.

Read the "official" Star Wars Celebration blog.

How Star Wars Celebration IV Blew Up

UPDATE: How it ends + links to news reports...(see bottom of post)

Star Wars Celebration IV. Friday. Evening.

I had a good time. Judging by the looks on everyone elses faces this seemed to be predominant attitude. A lot of fun things happened. I'll share them.

But first, let me write about how it all went sour in the end.

We were standing in line for the opening ceremonies. We were really excited. Everyone was. The line was really long, stretching outside for blocks, but we were assured we would get in by the nice man holding the "end of the line" sign. We waited. We played sudoku. We listened to the rather excited group of guys in front of us. The line started moving. Slowly, in spurts.

This line walking process took 15-20mins, but we got in the building. We hurriedly followed the line of people up to the auditorium. Some people get stopped. Bags over a certain size weren't allowed, so they had to be checked. This mostly consisted of shopping bags, with recently purchased wares. Toys for kids. Fun stuff.

We didn't have any bags, so we were able to press through. We got the auditorium. We were ten feet away, and suddenly the line stopped. Halted. Everyone was confused. The staff assured us that there was some problem, they didn't know what, and that they were going to sort it all out right away. Okay. Whatever. We were practically there.

Several minutes pass. They seem much longer. No one knows why we've stopped. Men in blue security jackets start pushing people away from the doors. They have walkie-talkies. The staff member closest to us is confused, tries to ask questions, but gets no answers. Meanwhile, the program finally starts. It started late. But we could see it. We could see the USC marching band through the closed glass doors of the auditorium. We could see 501st Stormtrooper brigade following them behind. I think I saw an Ewok on stage. And Indiana Jones. I was ten feet from the door!

People were coming out of the auditorium, staff, and others, who were questioning why no more were allowed in. One woman said it was only 60% full. I can't confirm if that was in fact true or not, but I did see empty seats. A newslady and cameraman exited the auditorium. They were from KCAL 9 I think. (Update: This was actually Amy Murphy and cameraman from Fox 11) The newslady talked to her cameraman as they walked past--"I don't understand why they aren't letting other people inside" she said. I couldn't make out anymore.

The crowd was growing restless. We all felt 10 feet away from the door I think. We were all so close. We could here it, taste it, smell it, see it...but we were not allowed to touch it. There were so many still behind us. My estimate was 1000-1500 people, based on the width and length of the line.

Finally, a man with a tan shirt and highlighted hair came out and told us all to move against the far wall. We were all upset. In our new position we could no longer see through the glass doors. The last two doors were finally shut closed, and we could no longer hear anything. The smell changed from hope to frustration and defeat. The crowd grew angry. Several people started shouting at the man who had come out. "Poor planning!" One shouted. "What's going on?" shouted another.

A new man showed up with a stack of envelopes and began distributing them. They were meant to appease us. Instead it ticked a lot of people off. I told my wife that if things got ugly we'll have to make a run for it. She replied things were already ugly. I've never been in a riot, but began to expect one.

The man with the highlights told us, "as far as I know, this is not a done deal". Dare we hope? Suddenly a new man walked in, a big athletic man with a buzz cut and authoritative voice. He told us we needed to leave the building immediately. This didn't sink in. "Why?" someone asked. "I don't know, but you all have to leave the way you came in. I have been told to clear the building." This didn't sink in either. Some people left immediately. Most of us just stood there. He repeated himself a number of times. Many went back to the check-in table, to reclaim the goods. The large man told them no. He shut down the table and forced everyone to leave without their bags. It was so confusing. "Why are we leaving? Why can't we get our stuff?" People said as they walked past.

I walked slowly. Then quickly. Then slowly. I was just as confused as everyone else. When everyone finally got outside of the building...we all just stood there. My wife and I sat down on the curb. A man with a blue shirt had a walkie-talkie. A crowd gathered around him. I moved over to see if I could hear any news. "When I know something, you'll know something." The man said. I woman barraged him. He repeated himself "When I know something, you'll know something." The woman didn't quit. "When this woman knows something, you'll know something." People laughed. A little. The joke was welcome.

Princess Leia, however, was crying. She was probably six years old, dressed in the white robe-dress, hair in the classic buns. She was very upset. Another man pleaded with the man in the blue shirt "You have to let us go back and get our stuff...I promised my son he could play with his toys tonight." The man in the blue shirt said no. The story got worse. The child was autistic. The father was desperate. The child was sobbing. Anakin Skywalker, from Episode II, with full jedi robes and a gloved left hand sat on the ground sobbing at his fathers feet. No one felt very good. The answer was no. The man in the blue shirt got that message across fairly harshly, perhaps even meanly. I couldn't watch anymore.

I gathered from overheard conversations that the parking garages, like the building, had been evacuated, and no one was allowed to their cars. The man in the blue shirt confirmed this. People were not allowed into the building, or to the parking garages. It was all being taped off by police. The LAPD was to blame. Not the Star Wars Celebration Staff. Still, no one knew why.

Another staff person approached. She declared that shuttles were on their way. This was not very reassuring. Shuttles to where? After a few minutes I was able to ask...they were shuttles back to the hotels.



A little while later we were pushed away from the conference center and told we had to cross the street. Once we crossed the street we were told to move onwards. We couldn't wait there. People grumbled "what am I supposed to do? My car's in there--I'm not at a hotel--I have nowhere to go!". I was in their camp. I grumbled too.



We waited. The building was taped off. Firetrucks and Police cars were everywhere. Flares where on the road, blocking all traffic. A man from San Francisco sat with me and my wife for a while. We grumbled a together a little. Then moved on. We moved down the sidewalk, not knowing what else to do. No one was telling us anything. Bomb squad SUV's started showing up. I personally saw two, people claimed there was four. The "bomb threat" theory floated through the crowd. One man theorized the bomb threat was called in from a "bent Trekkie".



News vans were also everywhere. We were waiting in a crowd of people for warmth when a newsman showed up with a cameraman. (Update: This was Patrick Healy from KNBC 4) He started interviewing people. We all listened in, hoping for more information. There was nothing new. We chatted with a young girl dressed as a Dark Jedi. She was dressed in black and had long fleshy tentacles flowing from her head. A Twi'lek, I believe, and possibly a Sith, but she seemed nice enough. She was hoping for more information too. But it was just the same old.



We finally decided it would be worth trying to get at least closer to our car. We crossed a couple of streets, passed a Han Solo and a very cold looking slave costume Leia, and found a couple of policeman taking pictures with a stormtrooper and a little Jengo Fett, maybe two and a half feet tall. It was cute, and odd, and surreal. Like the LAPD had descended upon us like the Empire.

We went up to a policeman and asked if he knew anything. He said curtly "I'm not allowed to tell you." Oh. Okay. We asked if we could get back into the building. He thought so, and let us partially in. But no, he was wrong, no one was allowed back into the building. We asked about getting to our car, and the particular garage our car was parked within was now open. Finally, and quite unexpectedly, he told us there was a "package", and the police wanted to investigate it. He pointed to another gentleman walking past, "it's about 3 times bigger than the pack he's wearing. Do you know how much C4 you could put into that? 60-70lbs worth. They've been hosing it down with water and know the bomb squad is here."

Great. This made me angry. We walked to our car, and drove home. Some clown plants some thing and our celebration blows up. Or maybe it's not a plant...maybe just some box of toy figures. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not. I guess you can't be to careful, but no such thought made me less angry.

We proceeded to our car, and drove home, rather dejected.

UPDATE--------------------------------------

So the "package" turns out to be a bag of clothes. The people that made it into the opening ceremonies were not evacuated. The mayor of Los Angeles, apparently, was at the opening ceremonies, and he was not evacuated.

The next day I called the Conference Show Office, asked them what was going on and if anything was going to be done about it. The volunteer I talked with said the "higher-ups" were putting together a compensation package. Nice. He said he'll call me back when more details had been gathered. Two hours later, he called me back. He was nice and apologetic, but said the "higher-ups" had made it "abundantly clear" there was to be no compensation for anyone. The conference staff was complying with LAPD orders, and the LAPD was acting in the interest of public safety. So with those two invincible untrumpable unarguable cards played, along with the pre-existing policy of absolutely no refunds for any reason whatsoever, that was that.

News links:

http://cbs2.com/topstories/local_story_146031629.html

Amy Murphy Fox 11
http://www.myfoxla.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail?contentId=3318501&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1

Patrick Healy KNBC 4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8vvOTJgcOY