I'm a real handful

This week I was emailing a dear friend of mine about how my break was going. I thought I might also share it here:

The Lord doesn't have an easy time with me. Over the course of this break, I became painfully aware of how my vice of productivity often stands diametrically opposed to the rest the Lord wants to bring my soul. He wants me to rest from my works (heb 4) but I keep looking for things to keep myself busy. I can't give up on fixing myself. Help me Lord!!!! My spiritual director sat me down last week. I came into our meeting anxious. I felt like I was squandering my break--not being spiritual enough. She asked me, "who exactly is in charge of this process?" Sting--like everything else in life, I want to be able to charge through a beautiful but slow, irregular, and painful process. I want to "help" the Lord help me. It is a ridiculous as the clay on wheel growing hands and assisting the potter in its own formation. Would I rather live in a world where I was perfect and didn't need God's help in that department than to live in surrender and honesty about my own brokenness as a person, as a soul? My behavior and its motivations are telling.

Classes start again on Monday. I am looking forward to it. This week I found out that I didn't get a job that I had interviewed for at Biola. I was so relieved! I thought that my interviews had gone well, but in the space of two weeks between the interview and finding out, the Lord reminded me of the journey we're on together and the fact is, it just takes time. Sure reading twenty books this semester will take time, so will writing papers, going to class, prayer projects, and retreats, but these things are not an end in themselves. They are each an opportunity to open to God and learn about Him or me or, ideally, both. God doesn't work on a timeline (at least one that I'm familiar with), so I am learning, very slowly, about simply being available to Him. Thankfully, I have such a kind and generous husband who insists that I give myself fully to school and not be bothered by working. And yet I am even more blessed than that, I have a husband who wants to go on this journey with me.
Thank you, Love!
dez

Shakespeare and San Clemente

We were pleasantly surprised this last weekend to find that it consisted of not just two but three days. Now when one is given three days as a opposed to just two there seems to be some added pressure to have some experience, some adventure, some story to show for oneself. Admittedly, I am also more than a little excited for any opportunities to get out of the apartment and interact with the outside world as I have been spending a lot of quality time with myself since the end of last semester.

Saturday was largely spent resting. Brandon is still recovering from our big venture back to the Midwest over Christmas break. He doesn't have the luxury of mid-day naps that I have right now nor lots of extra time to process everything that went on. So we slept in and later watched a movie in bed. How I love to cuddle with my husband! I love snuggling up to him and resting my head on his chest in that perfect space between his shoulder and neck. And ladies, contain yourselves, he might actually enjoy it even more than I do.

After getting all rested up we got all dolled up to go to see The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged at the ARK Theatre. I was a little skeptical when we showed up to the place as it was obviously a small, low budget type theatre. The place only seated about 50-60 so it was a very intimate setting which ended up being perfect for the show we were going to see. The cast was a grand total of three people doing 37 plays in 90 minutes. I know it is hard to imagine how that is even possible, but we promise you it is and it is hilarious. This troupe of three was energetic and engaging. It has been said that "all the world is a stage." It certainly felt that way during the performance as they physically interacted with the audience and used the seating space as part of the stage. Included in the dialogue of the play was a particularly amusing banter between the actors. This play is fascinating, we left there wondering how the script worked exactly. Does it require a lot of improv or does it require the crew to insert current cultural references kind of like a mad libs approach to play writing? Either way, we were entertained and recommend it to you.

Sunday was off to a lazy start. I was reading the paper and Brandon was researching for his latest painting project. I was wondering what would become of the day when we got a call from Brandon's great uncle Don and his wife Connie. We had been hoping to get together for another adventure with them and here was our opportunity. They took us to San Clemente a beautiful ocean town. We walked out on the pier as we waited for a table at the Fisherman (the restaurant on the pier). What a treat!!! It was a beautiful day. The waters were serene and the sun warmed our faces as we took our meal on the deck. It was mealsharing of the best kind. The four of us do have lively conversations of love, life, and faith and the time slips by imperceptibly. After dinner we walked about the park adjacent to the beach and from our vantage point we could see dolphins playing around what someone told us was a reef.

By this time the parking meter had gobbled up our quarters. So we hopped in the car to chase down the sunset. Sunset over the ocean is a sight to behold. And you will find as that magical moment approaches, people gather, some with picnics and friends and others going solo to quietly take in the beauty. Everyone wonders, "will this be a good one? Will I get to see the sun dip into the ocean?" And its really something when you can.

dez

ps--pictures to come!

The Reading List

While we were home for Christmas break several people requested my reading list for school. Since I am not in class right now, I have the time to oblige you. Happy reading! My annotations are in red.

Fall Semester

Intro to Spiritual Formation

Invitation to a Journey: A Road Map for Spiritual Formation by M. Robert Mulholland Jr. (InterVarsity Press) This is a great introduction to the subject. A good place to start.

The Deeper Journey: The Spirituality of Discovering Your True Self by M. Robert Mulholland Jr. (InterVarsity Press) His follow up book to further discuss the importance of the dual knowledge in Spiritual Formation, which is to say that it is equally important to increase in knowledge of one's self along with the knowledge of God and vice versa. John Calvin said, "True and sound wisdom consists of two parts: the knowledge of God and ourselves."

Opening to God by Thomas Green (Ave Marie Press) A primer on opening our hearts to God in prayer and offers techniques that ready the soul to encounter God.

Weeds Among the Wheat by Thomas Green (Ave Maria Press) A fantastic book on the practice of discernment. I don't think I have begun to apprehend the richness here. It is a discussion on Ignatius' formula for discerning. I plan to read it again.

The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen (Ballantine Press) His discussion on the practices of Solitude, Silence, and Prayer and their importance for us today.

Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney (Norton) Not an easy read. Written by a well-respected researcher and therapist to her fellow therapists. If I might oversimplify, she is discussing the dual nature of a person, how we all have our own Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde inside of ourselves. The book focuses mostly on treatment concerns.


History and Theory of SoulCare

The Study of Spirituality by Cheslyn Jones et al (Oxford Press) Honestly, this book was drudgery to read but it does give a thorough survey of the history of spirituality.

Spiritual Direction and the Care of Souls ed by Gary Moon & David Benner (InterVarsity Press) This presents you with a survey of how Spiritual Direction is used in the major denominations. It also provides you with a helpful discussion on the similarities and differences of the Spiritual Director, the Counselor/Therapist, and the Pastoral Counselor, which was very helpful to me.

Spiritual Direction: Beyond the Beginnings by Janet Ruffing (Paulist Press) Probably written more for the Spiritual Director with instruction on things to watch for in doing direction with others.

Praying With Martin Luther by Peter Bastien (St. Mary’s Press) This book as well as the next three were the choice presented to us for use in a prayer project. I heard from my classmates that they enjoyed this book but thought that it tried to pack too much in at a time, so if you choose to go through this book feel free to break up the exercises into more manageable pieces.

The Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Wintertime by Phyllis Tickle (Doubleday) One of a three book series encompassing all of the seasons. I chose this book for my prayer project. It is designed to echo the monastic practice of praying at certain times of the day every day and using prewritten prayers. As a newlywed, I was a little naive about my new living situation and the time and discipline this practice takes. I learned the importance of doing disciplines that fit in your life at the time.

Celtic Daily Prayer by the Northumbria Community (Harper Collins) This book is also designed to help you engage in praying the hours as it is called. There is also a cd that accompanies the book that really blessed some of my classmates.

A Do-It-At-Home Retreat by Adre Ravier (Ignatius Press) My classmates said this one was intense. If you are familiar with the four week Ignatian Retreat, you know what I am talking about. The author is trying to give the experience of the Ignatian Retreat in more manageable pieces to fit into daily life as most people can't take four weeks off to receive this retreat at a monastery.


Personal Foundations of Spirituality & Retreat

Renovation of the Heart: Putting on the Character of Christ by Dallas Willard (NavPress) You can't get far in any modern reading on Spiritual Formation without running into references to this book. So if you are interested in the subject, this is an important one to read. Willard promotes his model of the whole person and how it's different parts interact with each other, e.g. how does the mind interact with the spirit? He addresses how he conceptualizes transformation happening in each of a person's parts.

For our 48 hour retreat we had the option of using any of the following books:

A Seven Day Journey with Thomas Merton by Esther De Waal (Servant Publications)

Practicing Your Path: A book of Retreats for an Intentional Life by Holly Whitcomb (Innisfree Press Inc)

A Vacation with the Lord by Thomas Green (Ave Maria Press)

The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius trans by Louis Puhl (Vintage Books/Random House)

Wilderness Time by Emelie Griffin (Harper Collins)

Spring Semester

Developmental Spirituality/ Contemplative Prayer

Collected Works of St. John of the Cross (rev) trans by Kavanaugh & Rodriguez (ICS Publishing)

When the Well Runs Dry by Thomas Green (Ave Maria Press)

Fire Within by Thomas Dubay (Ignatius Press)

Ascent to Truth by Thomas Merton (Harcourt Brace)

St. John of the Cross: Doctor of Light and Love by Kieran Kavanaugh (Crossroad)

Drinking from a Dry Well by Thomas Green (Ave Maria Press)



Intensive Journey Inward & Retreat

Wilderness Time by Emelie Griffin (Harper Collins)

Going on Retreat by Margaret Silf (Loyola Press)

Letting God Come Close by William Barry (Loyola Press)

Weeds Among the Wheat by Thomas Green (Ave Maria Press)



Personality Development and Psychopathology

Reclaiming Your Story by Merle Jordan (Knox Press)

Object Relations Theories & Psychopathology by Frank Summers (Analytic Press)

Fundamentals of Abnormal Psychology by Ronald Comer (Worth)