Thanksgiving

It's high time I sat down and wrote our Thanksgiving adventure. It's been high time for a while, and I'm glad to finally be writing it. Some pretty fantastic things happened, and I have pictures to prove it.

This year was the first year that both Dez and I were away from our families on Thanksgiving. We were together though, and as we start a new family, I think it was good to experience alternative ways of celebration before we settle in on particular traditions.

Now, on with the adventure....Desiree has a professor who has a husband who operates a retreat center up in the mountains. This professor, along with her husband, invited all the students that were unable to return home for the holiday to the retreat center to celebrate Thanksgiving together.

We were quite excited about this invitation; and, along with a car full of new student-type friends, (who, I might add, were quite entertaining on the 2+ hour trip) traveled high into the mountains. We traveled up from sea level to over 6000 feet if the road signs were to be trusted. Our ears played games with us, but our lungs leaped at the presence of the fresh air.

It was dark upon our arrival Wednesday night. We ate a late dinner of fantastic gourmet pizza, and proceeded to have a very encouraging conversation with the other students. To be more accurate, there was one man, the husband of one of the students, who was telling his story, and the rest of us were listening. There were maybe a dozen of us or so. Though I shan't do his story justice attempting it's retelling, I will try to summarize it:

His story was about how God called him to become honest with his life, and to go on a deeper journey with God using that honesty as a starting point, and his heart as a destination. I shall write about two things that stood out to me, though there were more. 1) How much faith we can have that God will finish his work in us, and how this faith overrules all our fruitless efforts at self-improvement. 2) How often (and how much) the church (specifically, the evangelical church) gets in the way of our growth process. With it's spiritually guised message of self-improvement and it's confusion and lack of experience with the actions of the Holy Spirit in our hearts, the church cannot help but hinder our spiritual formation. Of these two things, the first I found very encouraging, and the second very validating.

After the large group discussion broke for the night, we sat in the hot tub for a while. The water was a little too cold and the seats were a little too high, such that your chest was well above water. The mountain air was clear and clean, but chilled, and the effect of the hot tub was a blend of relaxation gone askew into frustration. What indeed is worse than a good thing gone slightly afoul? But I digress with exaggeration, perhaps, for it was not so unpleasant that we boycotted its pleasures.



Our room for the night contained two twin-sized beds. Me and Dez tried sleeping together in the same bed cuddled very closely together, but it was not working as well as we would have liked. We switched to separate beds, but after an hour or two we missed each other such that we couldn't sleep and we climbed back together in the same bed again. Then once more we would grow crowded, and separate, but then come together again, and so on and so on throughout the night. We didn't sleep as soundly as we had hoped for, but our antics amused us such that it didn't bother us as much as one would think.



The next morning we ate a marvelous breakfast, and then proceeded to hike about out in the woods. We had forgotten the elevation we were at, with the air thinner and such, but our excitement was great being atop mountains and surrounded by trees and rocks and other such things. We saw a deer. We saw a little lizard. We saw many songbirds that, though similar to those in the Midwest, were still quite different. I won't tell of all our adventures in the woods, but one discovery simply cannot be silenced! The pine cones were enormous! As big as our heads! It was perhaps the most surprising thing I have seen in California thus far.



Upon our return from the hike we ate the Thanksgiving meal, and then proceeded to have a little service. We packed our things and said our goodbyes and began the journey home. It was our first Thanksgiving together, and it was a good one.

Opening to God

Never have I had a class that has been such an integrated part of my life. The subject matter given in my Introduction to Spiritual Formation class is part of the ongoing dialogue with my husband. We cannot have a conversation without it in someway coming back to the course material, in particular this concept of opening to God. I am so grateful for the opportunity we have had to learn about this as a couple, especially now as we are just learning about oneness.

Opening to God was a practice we were experimenting with even in our courtship, but we did not understand exactly what it was we were doing. All we knew was that we wanted the Lord to be a welcome and active member of our life together. We didn’t understand about our hidden hearts and their need to be peeled. We didn’t yet understand how the Lord would use us to help each other in the process. The lectures I have been hearing on how God changes the heart have served to validate our experience.

Brandon is certainly my soul friend as I am his. God has changed us through our experience of finding each other a safe and secure place. I first modeled to Brandon the concepts of active listening and extending unconditional positive regard to the speaker. He was quick to pick up on these skills. Through that process of reflecting back what is heard, you give the speaker the gift of mirroring what appears to be going on in the heart. Brandon was the one to teach me about being loved in my mess. He took it beyond non-judgment to love, even in my dark, ugly, broken places. Prior to this I had no concept of God’s ability or desire to love me in those places. Brandon has been reparenting me in a sense, which is opening up my ability to attach more securely to him and to the Lord.

What is it to open to God?
I know that this may sound ridiculously elementary, but I promise that it is profoundly deep:

The idea is that we are disconnected from our hearts and how the Spirit is ALWAYS working in us. As the master soul surgeon, He knows the inner weavings of our heart and will carefully use circumstances, situations, other people to open our hearts. We want to begin to pay attention to what is bubbling up in our hearts, so that we can better cooperate with Him. We want to consciously and increasingly more often ask, "Lord what are You doing in this." What are You trying to show me about my hidden heart. What is going on in my heart that has me so, e.g., angry right now? Lord what are You doing here? In this ongoing exercise one begins to learn how to attend to the Spirit.

dez

The Vice of Curiositas

This semester I have become more aware of my motivations for studying. The Lord has used some of my coursework to bubble up things in my heart that He wants me to look at with Him. The following is another excerpt from my aforementioned final (see my previous post):

My experience of the midterm in one of my classes was a real trip. I have pages and pages written in my journal about all of the fear and anxiety it caused to boil up in me. Admittedly I had to revisit the prayer project nearly every time I studied because I would just freak out. From the beginning of the semester, the Lord was very clear about what my priorities were to be: open in relationship to Him and my new husband and the homework would fall into place after that. I have been rather easy going about my homework throughout the course of this semester until this test popped up. I was blindsided by the feelings it raised. Just looking at the study guide would cause anxiety to begin to boil up in me. The temptation to shift into the “just get it done” gear was very powerful and yet there was a sense that I should not be relying on my own fortitude to plow through it. So I had to let it sit for several days.

A few days before the test was due, I asked the Lord to help me look at my paralysis surrounding this issue. I didn’t know how to approach this test without employing my old neurotic faculties. My only experience of motivating myself was to tap into the fear of facing the wrath of imperfection (which includes loss of identity, loss of esteem in other’s eyes, and perhaps loss of love). In college, this fear would inspire incredible amounts of fortitude, which always produced the results of neurotic perfection. But in a very real sense I am not that person anymore, as the Lord has been addressing those deep needs and beliefs in my heart over the years since college. Just because that drive was being lessened, did not mean I automatically knew how to study rightly.

Thankfully Dr. Coe had addressed this issue in some of his lectures. The right and true end in study should be the love of God and greater transformation into Christlikeness. Failure to study without the proper attitude is to engage in the vice of curiositas (seeking to know something for the wrong reasons, e.g. pride or seeking to know something that should not be known,e.g. pornography). Wow—have I ever spent my entire education in the execution of that vice! Anyway, back to that conversation with the Lord. What came out of that was a glimmer of understanding about loving God in my studies. It was like something switched on inside of me and studying made sense. Of course it is an opportunity to open to God. I am studying Him and His things. Why should attention to His presence in me be left out of the equation?

dez


The Hidden Heart

Well, I've finished my first semester at the Institute for Spiritual Formation. I have such a mixture of feelings. On one hand there is the relief from the work involved with school, but on the other hand, there is sadness because I really enjoy my classes and my classmates. Some of them have become very dear to me already. During my last final on Monday, I had the opportunity to write for 2 1/2 hours about how this semester has impacted me. I have decided that I will post some of those thoughts in an attempt to share more of my, and sometime our, movement into the deeper life:

God has been actively working in us through the trials we have faced over the last year and even the circumstances we have been dealing with over the last several months. Our situation of unemployment since being here has done wonders for stirring up my hidden heart. The desire to control the situation and hurry up and move through it was extremely powerful in me. Since I had spent my whole life living in the power of my self (often in the name of the Holy Spirit), my mind was going crazy trying to figure out ways to fix the situation including how to manipulate Brandon to that end.

Fear and anxiety ruled me, but then we began to discuss the nature of the heart in my classes. It’s fallen, self-deceiving, layered ad infinitem, immense, and there is no amount of fortitude in the world that can fix it. Dr. Coe said we had to despair of fixing ourselves that our first move should be opening to God. That was a paradigm shift to be sure, one that is still in process. But as I began to take in the material and internalize it, it resonated within me. The Holy Spirit is always working in me and my job is to simply open to what He is doing. I began to pay more attention to what was bubbling up in my heart with regard to our circumstance and I began dialoguing with Brandon about it and he too joined me in the process.

As we began to share the hell boiling up in our souls with each other, I noticed the fingers that I was clenching onto Brandon with began to relax. The Lord began to show us how He was taking us on another path than what we had laid out for ourselves. Though it was more painful, it lacked nothing in terms of the Lord’s care and concern for us. Had Brandon landed a great job right away, it would have only served to confirm our beliefs in the sufficiency of the flesh and the power of our autonomy. Instead, the Lord cracked our hearts wide open and we had to get honest with ourselves. I came face to face with my need to control and to provide for myself and the underlying mistrust I was harboring against my husband and the Lord. And even as I was up to my eyeballs in this mess and expecting all the condemnation that hell could muster, the Lord treated me so kindly. He looked at me with such compassion and love. It is a wondrous thing to experience yourself as loved by God even when you're bad.

dez

Happiness by an Unexpected Path




This is the face of a happy man. He is off to start his first day at work. Brandon can hardly contain his excitement at getting a job at the Doheny Eye Institute. You will have to get him to give you the details of his work there. Believe me, he will be more than happy to share it with you. Be sure to ask about the slide.


As excited as were are about this unbelievable opportunity for him. We have found ourselves filled with overwhelming gratitude for the Lord’s kindness to us over the last many months. We had something of a naïve idea coming out here that Brandon would get a job right away, and we thought we would be the generous ones with our neighbors and friends out here. But the Lord chose to take us by another path. If we hadn’t experienced the lack and the struggle of the last months we would not have experienced the Lord’s physical provision. Please don’t take this for a superficial “God is so good” though He is. Something has changed deep within us from these experiences. One of the most heartrending provisions was the anonymous payment of our rent for the month of November. We were blown away by God’s care for us. Someone saw us and our need and took it upon themselves to meet our need. We were utterly stunned. It changed how we look at our possessions and money. We have also been blessed by cards and letters from home that have happened to include money at just the right times. The fact that Brandon got any freelance work at all in this great big city is a miracle in of itself and another display of the Lord's great kindness.

We are also learning that God’s care and provision extend far beyond our physical bodies. God is working in us ALL OF THE TIME to open us to the truth ourselves in relationship with Him. He uses everyday circumstances to bring up the stuff in our hearts that we have tried hard to keep down. We are learning to open to the Lord in all things. This practice is teaching us how to attend to the Holy Spirit.

I, in particular, have a lot to learn about this. The prayer project I was given in one of my classes last week was to pray Psalm 139:23-24 every day, preferably in the morning, and ask the Lord to peel back the layers of my heart throughout the course of the day. By the end of the week, I realized how completely inattentive I can be to the Lord because I have not even invited Him into my conscious awareness. I believe Dr. Coe (one of my professors) when he says that you have to develop this habit of heart to pray without ceasing. It does not come naturally. I have been made very aware of that this week. I can go whole chunks of the day without even thinking about the Lord or attempting to connect with Him. I believe that He is working all of the time at showing me my heart, but I can be pretty oblivious and, at times, altogether uninterested. Another layer of my hidden heart exposed… my ambivalence toward the Lord. There are parts of me that this awareness pains deeply and other parts that say, “yep, that’s about right.”

dez


Psalm 139:23-24 (NASB)
Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful (literally “painful”) way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way.

The Deeper Journey

Well, here it is, my big blogging début. Whatever shall I write about? It occurs to me that there is a big part our of journey out here in LA that has not gotten much blog space. We are not just exploring a new city, but we are exploring a new life, i.e., the deeper life in Christ. This is coming about mostly through my classes at the Institute for Spiritual Formation but also through relationship with Brandon. We are very much together on this journey into the deeper life, and it has been incredible not only to open up to greater intimacy with each other but with the Lord as well.

I was recently emailing a friend about what I have been learning, so I thought I would share it here too:

I am realizing that I have been operating to some degree out of my unconscious theology of God regardless of the systematic theology that I hold in my conscious. For example I believe in my head that God loves me. What plays out in my life is that I act and think that God is my judge, that he is somehow linked to the voice of condemnation in my head. Furthermore there are parts of me that don't believe I can trust God to take care of me or meet my inmost needs or my physical ones for that matter. Rather, I have a deep belief that I must take care of myself even to the extent of manipulating circumstances and people to that end. I've got lots more examples if you are interested.

Each of us has a well of deep beliefs and desires, in large part due to our experiences in life, especially early ones. We learn early that people can't deal with our mess so we hide it. This gets impacted over the years and we eventually get disconnect from conscious awareness of this rather oceanic part of ourselves.

This is especially problematic for the Christian who feels this pressure to be perfect. The machine of the church has convinced them that they have to hide their badness. This causes for some people a double life, as in the case of Ted Haggard. In my churh experience there is ongoing teaching toward three ends: 1) developing systematic theology and gaining Bible knowledge, and 2) using fortitude in the name of the Holy Spirit to manage one’s behaviors, and 3) frenetic participation and service in church ministries. With these factors serving as the measuring stick for Christian growth and maturity, there is little time for matters of the inward life.

What I am learning is that God could care less about me living a perfect life. He is not interested in me fixing myself. He is interested in relationship with me. If Christianity were only a program of moral improvement, it would require neither God nor a Christ. It could exist on the basis of personal effort toward perfection. Jesus attacked this notion of self-achieving-perfectionism on many occasions, especially when the Pharisees were around (e.g., Matt 23). A poignant example would be Luke 10. In this story, Jesus is at the home of Martha and Mary. Martha is scurrying around doing good work and gets frustrated when Jesus lets Mary just sit as His feet. Jesus makes clear that Mary has chosen the better thing here, i.e. relationship over work.

This week I have been pondering Hebrews 4 and Matthew 11:28-30. They are both invitations to enter into God's rest. We are invited to enter this Sabbath rest and rest from our works. That is so contrary to my unconscious theology of having to fix myself and earn his love. Why is it that I have not seen this up until now? The freedom that is being offered here threatens to completely rock my world. What would it mean to really live with the pressure off?

I realize that this is starting to look like a sermon, so I am going to stop myself. Perhaps, I will close this line of thinking by saying that I have been completely blown away by what I have been learning. My evangelical faith tradition had lost the many of these treasures of mystical spirituality during the Reformation in their zeal to pursue sola scriptura. In a very real sense, I am compelled to grieve for that loss. There is richness in the Christian experience and tradition that I had no idea about.

Dez

Happy Ninja Day!!! NinjaDay2006

Today is Ninja Day. I didn't end up killing anybody, but I did (although accidentally) cut a guy off on the freeway today. What is Ninja Day you ask? Read about it here, or better yet, watch the video.

Check out these instructions on making an uber ninja mask! Where were these when I was a kid?

The California Flag

We were shopping in Walmart the other day. On the wall at the end of the checkouts was a list of all the best cashiers, with their pictures and a huge banner underneath with their numbers posted for how fast they could check people out. The kind lady that was checking us out did not have her picture on the board. She didn't make the top ten list of cashiers. She wasn't like "Brittney", the number one cashier who was checking out 570 items per minute. No, shopping at Walmart here in La Mirada is a bit like trying to drive on the 5--long lines, and not enough lanes. (For all those back home who are used to refering to interstates as "I90", out here it is pretty much just "the" followed by the number. "The 5." "The 405." The "110." And of course, the great "The 1," aka "The Pacific Coast Highway."

Anyways, as I drifted about while waiting (not unlike the beginning to this blog entry) I took a good look around. Just above the big Walmart scoreboard was the American flag, and next to it, the California flag. This was the first time I'd really looked at the California flag. Let me describe it. It has a bear in the middle. A red star in the corner, and a red stripe along it's base. A bear, a red star...why is the California flag...so...communist? I thought at the time that all it needed was a hammer and sickle to complete it's U.S.S.R. symbology.

I was so perplexed by the flag that when I returned home I looked around online to find out just exactly why the flag used the symbols that it used. What I discovered was that California flag is not actually that communist. My conspiracy theory was shot to pieces when I learned that the "Communist Manifesto", was published in 1848, two years after the emergence of the "bear" flag. I got confused by this site for a little while (a hoax on snopes.com--who would have thought it? Click on the "more information about this page" link to learn their motive), but eventually learned my lesson about checking my sources and have written the little summery below.

***

In 1821 Mexico won its independence from Spain. At this time, Mexico included what is now California, Texas, and many of the other western states. (See Map)

For reasons outside of this discussion, Texas ceded from Mexico in 1836. They won their independence later that year, after battles at "The Alamo" and the great victory at San Jacinto. Mexico considered Texas a "rebel province", and Texas wanted to join the United States. When Texas was admitted into the United States in 1845, the Mexican-American war began.

War was officially declared between the U.S. and Mexico on May 13, 1846. However, news of this did not reach California until later in July. Meanwhile, thirty-three men intent on a revolution knocked on the door of the Mexican Commandante of Northern California, who apparently invited them in for breakfast. Believing in their cause, the Commandate surrendered. Surprised, the Americans declared California independent, and raised a flag with crudely drawn grizzly bear (common in California at the time, but extinct since 1922) and a lone star, an ode to Texas. On the flag was written "California Republic".

On June 23, 1846, American forces arrived, the "republic" was dissolved, and the revolutionaries joined with the Americans in the war against Mexico.

The Mexican-American War ended in 1848. California was admitted to the United States in 1850. The "bear" flag was adopted in 1911 as the official flag by the State Legislature.

Here are some interesting quotes I found:

"At a company meeting it was determined that we should raise a flag, and that it should be a bear en passant [French: 'in passing'], with one star. One of the ladies at the garrison gave us a piece of brown domestic, and Mrs. Captain John Sears gave us some strips of red flannel about 4 inches wide. The domestic was new, but the flannel was said to have been part of a petticoat worn by Mrs. Sears across the mountains...I took a pen, and with ink drew the outline of the bear and star upon the white cloth. Linseed oil and Venetian red were found in the garrison, and I painted the bear and star...Underneath the bear and star were printed with a pen the words 'California Republic' in Roman letters. In painting the words I first lined out the letters with a pen, leaving out the letter 'i' and putting 'c' where 'i' should have been, and afterwards the 'i' over the 'c.' It was made with ink, and we had nothing to remove the marks." -William L. "Bill" Todd, artist of original Bear Flag.

"Another man left at Sonoma was William L. Todd who painted, on a piece of brown cotton, a yard and a half or so in length, with old red or brown paint that he happened to find, what he intended to be a representation of a grizzly bear. This was raised to the top of the staff, some seventy feet from the ground. Native Californians looking up at it were heard to say 'Coche,' the common name among them for pig or shoat." -John Bidwell



***

In conclusion, history yet again amazes me at its fractal-like complexity. The deeper you look, the more there is to see. The humble beginnings, misspelled words and crudly drawn characters, that later became the symbols for the 6th-10th largest economy in the world. My next question is why is it exactly that the 1911 State Legislature chose the "bear flag" to become the Official State Flag? What about the short-lived ill-organized "California Republic" is worth immortalizing?

***

References:
http://www.sfmuseum.org/hist6/toddflag.html
http://www.parks.ca.gov/pages/73...%201836%20to%201850%20statehood.pdf
http://www.calguard.ca.gov/docs/Flags_Over_CA.pdf
http://www.dfg.ca.gov/oceo/projectwild/bear/33.pdf
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_state_flag
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Republic
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican-American_War
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas#War_for_Independence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican_War_of_Independence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican-American_War
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_of_California