I'm a real handful

This week I was emailing a dear friend of mine about how my break was going. I thought I might also share it here:

The Lord doesn't have an easy time with me. Over the course of this break, I became painfully aware of how my vice of productivity often stands diametrically opposed to the rest the Lord wants to bring my soul. He wants me to rest from my works (heb 4) but I keep looking for things to keep myself busy. I can't give up on fixing myself. Help me Lord!!!! My spiritual director sat me down last week. I came into our meeting anxious. I felt like I was squandering my break--not being spiritual enough. She asked me, "who exactly is in charge of this process?" Sting--like everything else in life, I want to be able to charge through a beautiful but slow, irregular, and painful process. I want to "help" the Lord help me. It is a ridiculous as the clay on wheel growing hands and assisting the potter in its own formation. Would I rather live in a world where I was perfect and didn't need God's help in that department than to live in surrender and honesty about my own brokenness as a person, as a soul? My behavior and its motivations are telling.

Classes start again on Monday. I am looking forward to it. This week I found out that I didn't get a job that I had interviewed for at Biola. I was so relieved! I thought that my interviews had gone well, but in the space of two weeks between the interview and finding out, the Lord reminded me of the journey we're on together and the fact is, it just takes time. Sure reading twenty books this semester will take time, so will writing papers, going to class, prayer projects, and retreats, but these things are not an end in themselves. They are each an opportunity to open to God and learn about Him or me or, ideally, both. God doesn't work on a timeline (at least one that I'm familiar with), so I am learning, very slowly, about simply being available to Him. Thankfully, I have such a kind and generous husband who insists that I give myself fully to school and not be bothered by working. And yet I am even more blessed than that, I have a husband who wants to go on this journey with me.
Thank you, Love!
dez